Saturday, January 26, 2013

Out of My Hands

I am a writer. That, by definition, makes me the type of person who cannot keep their emotions bottled up inside for very long. I've tried, this time I really have. I've been doing it for 3 months. I've been doing it at the detriment to myself and the people who care about me. I've let people talk badly about me and have just kept my mouth shut and let it happen. I have pretended that it doesn't bother me and just smile. But I cant do that anymore.

 I am a writer. I am a pissed off writer who has something to say.

I am incredibly pissed off,  but I'm not going to use my anger as an excuse to shoot off at the mouth. I'm not going to call anyone any names. I'm not going to be childish. I'm better than that, better than those people who hurt me. Or maybe I'm not. Maybe if I'd been on that side of the fence, I wouldn't have reacted any differently. I'd like to think I could, but I don't know. People react strangely when they're hurt. And mothers react violently when their children are hurt. I can forgive that. I can let that go. But I cant stand by and let my character and the character of someone who has nothing to do with this be assassinated anymore.

I took being engaged very seriously. There is a whole album on my computer that I've buried into the depths of My Pictures full of wedding ideas. I fell in love with Zach's family and they adopted me readily. I adore his little brother and sister like they were my own. I hated that Zach and I had to break up. I HATED it. I agonized over it for months upon months. It was going to hurt everyone and destroy the happy little life I'd imagined and wanted. But I had to break up with him. I had to do it for me and for him, and someday he'll understand that. He'll forgive me, and when he falls in love again with someone who is better for him, he'll thank me.

I didn't cheat on him. No, Jeremy and I weren't "running around" on Zach. We didn't start dating till after Zach and I were already over and done with. Rumors fly through this town like wild fire and I know the person that started the rumor knew it would get back to me. Maybe that's why they did it. To hurt me. I'm not sure who believes them. I cant lie and say that I don't care, because I do. But not for me. For Jeremy.

Jeremy is so special to me. He's so easy to love and respect. I don't want people thinking that he would step between two people, two engaged people at that. Because he wouldn't. Whether he had feelings for me while I was still with Zach is neither here nor there because no one acted on anything until everything was settled. Jeremy is the type of person who inspires me to be better. I want him to respect me and admire me the way I respect and admire him. The thought that people are saying something so horrible about him because of me...it's a horrible feeling. He deserves better than that.

I hate the fact that Zach hates me. After two and a half years of sharing our lives with each other, our families, I didn't think it would be like this. But I understand. If hating me makes him feel better, he can hate me. But I don't hate him. I may not be in love with him anymore. I may not want to be his wife. But I will never hate him. We had some wonderful times and some of my favorite memories involve him and his family. I'm not sorry that it's over, but I am sorry for everyone who was hurt because I had to say goodbye.

I think some people are just genuinely unhappy with their lives and have to bring other people down to make themselves feel better. I try my best not to be that type of person. I simply do the best I can and make the choices I know that I can live with.

I'm not going to apologize for the way I feel about Jeremy and I know he wont apologize for the way he feels about me. If someone expected him to, as non-confrontational as he is, he might just punch them in the wiener. That's how much he cares about me. It's different. What he and I have is different. And if I keep bottling up how I feel about the situation with Zach, I'm going to end up hurting him because he hurts when I hurt. I don't want to do that. Jeremy is the last person on earth who deserves to be hurt.

Zach wasn't perfect. I had my reasons for wanting out. I now have some fear issues because of things that went on between me and him that I have to work out.

I'm scared of making memories. But I'm not going to let that hold me back. Jeremy deserves better than that. And you know what? So do I.


No comments:

Post a Comment