When it hits you...

It hits me at different times. Sometimes it's at school if someone mentions how much they miss their parents because the live far away from their home town. Sometimes it's first thing in the morning because I've just had a dream about him. I wake up, thinking "Oh my gosh, he's alive!" only to realize the contrary. If I'm lucky, it's in the middle of the night and no one can see me/hear me cry, except maybe Zach sometimes if he's here late. He holds me, tells me he wishes he could change things, and then he'll stay quiet and let me cry. But when he's not here, I just hold myself and stare at the picture sitting on my bookshelf. I'm wearing a pink shirt and I'm smiling. I'm wearing black nail polish and I remember him crinkling his nose at it. His beard was black and gray and in full fluff mode, and his green eyes are twinkling. He didn't care much for taking pictures, but for some reason he was okay with that one. He's wearing an old gray long-sleeved shirt, and I'm sure an old pair of blue jeans and his brown shoes.

Tonight it hit me because I found one of his ancient jackets in the back of my closet. I remember him handing it to me one day and telling me to put it there, he didn't have room for it in his. I didn't want it, it was old and I didn't want to waste my precious clothes space, but he just looked at me sternly, so in the back it went. Tonight, cleaning out some of the clothes I didn't wear anymore, I stumbled upon it. I held it close to me and breathed in and was alarmed to find that it still smelled like him. After all those years, it still smelled like him. I went on to find several pairs of his jeans (which I'd taken when he died) and one of his old work shirts. I broke down in tears and sat in my closet, unable to compose myself for several minutes. I went into the kitchen and asked Mom what she wanted me to do with it. She gave me instruction, and I moved the jacket from my closet to hers. I'm glad she isn't going to get rid of it.

I went to take a shower and I sat down, readying myself to shave my legs, when the tears came again. I let the hot water wash over me and just hugged myself, saying "I want my Daddy" over and over. And, like someone turned off a switch, I stopped.

It's like that sometimes. The pain is so intense that it's a shock, like I lost him all over again, and I have to sit and wallow in it. Then I can pick myself up and go on with my day/night and be fine. But I don't think since the moment I saw the life leave him has there been a day where I haven't cried at least once.

I know Daddy is better off where he is. I know he's in Heaven, he isn't in pain anymore. I know all that, and I appreciate it. And I've also heard it a thousand times. Most of the people who have said this to me haven't lost a parent. They don't get it, not really. Daddy wont see me graduate from college, publish my first book, or teach a class. He isn't going to be the person who walks me down the aisle and he wont ever get to play with grand babies. My children will never hear his contagious laughter or hold one of his big strong hands. He never got to give Zach permission to marry me, or take him fishing and threaten to drown him. There is so much that my Daddy got to do in his lifetime, but there is so much that he is going to miss. Not a lot comforts me when I think about that.

The day I found out my Daddy had cancer, my life completely shifted. Nothing was ever the same. The man who was larger than life was sick. We found out April of 09, and I'm not sure the doctors thought he would last the summer. But he fought. Oh man, did he fight to stay with me and Momma. And he lived for a whole year, finally passing July 2010. That year was truly a God thing, because our family grew closer than ever before, and we cherished each other more than ever as well. I was always close to my parents, being an only child and all, but in that last year it felt like it doubled, maybe even triplied. We just plain enjoyed one another, and my parents fell in love all over again. It breaks my heart that there time was cut short. It shouldn't have been that way...

That's how it hits you. The loss of someone you love. In a year I lost two people who I cared for dearly, one a friend and the other a father. And I was forever changed for it. You don't go through that amount of trauma so close together and come out smelling like roses. It does something to you, and it's a searing pain you never forget, kind of like touching a hot stove for the first time when you're a kid and your parents tell you not to. You do it once, and you remember how badly it hurt for the rest of your life. It's kind of like that, only worse.

I miss my Daddy. I miss his laughter, green eyes, and sense of humor. I miss his strong hands and beard. I miss the way he'd call me "Goober-goob" and "Poot-n-nannie" and whatever other name he pulled out of his hat. Oh, and I miss him wearing baseball caps. I miss playing catch with him. I miss listening to him play the guitar. I miss hearing the keys jingle as he walked down the hallway after he got home from work. I miss the way he smelled, always like a factory. I miss the way he smelled after he got out of the bath. I miss being little, Daddy putting on cologne, and then me guessing which he put on. I memorized the smells after a while. I miss taking the underwear out of the bathroom while he was showering and putting it in the freezer. Instead of going to get new underwear, he'd wrap a towel around his waist, go to the kitchen, take out the underwear, and go back to the bathroom. He'd come out of the bathroom shivering.

Roland Green was a great man, and people remember him. I'm really proud to be his daughter, and I wish I could have told him that one more time.

Alison



"From Where You Are"-Lifehouse

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us world's apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you

So far away from where you are
I'm standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me

Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me

Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us world's apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

We Were Soldiers

So I haven't been to school since Monday and don't planning on going tomorrow either. Not only did an acrtic storm hit North Texas like a sledge hammer, but then I wound up getting sick, along with my fiance. We're not happy at all. In fact, I took a pill a second ago that should keep me from throwing up but it doesn't seem to be working. So here I am, writing a blog to keep my mind off of it. Will anyone ever read these? Doubt it, haha. I'm not that interesting.

I am watching one of the saddest movies ever made. We Were Soldiers, starring Mel Gibson.

I dated a few guys in the military when I was younger, one of them even went over seas a few times. I worried nonstop, couldn't watch the news. It's awful. I knew then I wasn't cut out to be the wife of someone that had been in the military. I watch military movies through tears, most of the time. I just couldn't have handled feeling what those women felt..
The worst scenes were, for me as a woman who is deeply in love, the scenes where the taxi drivers would take the telegrams to the families of the men who died in the war. My Dad told me stories about men he knew who fought in Vietnam. He said they were always different. Dad tried going into the military, but they wouldn't let him because he was colorblind. He wanted to join before he got drafted. But he graduated in 73', and that was the year they stopped drafting I think. I could never tell if Dad was disappointed that he didn't get to go, or relieved.

My Dad's father was in World War 2. He was in the Navy and in the battle of Okinawa. Dad said that he never talked about the war, even though he was technically a hero. See, he jumped on top of his C.O and to protect him from a blast, taking a lot of shrapmel. The shrapmel eventually moved into his intestines as the years went by, and he had to have surgery. He got gangreen and died. My Dad was 11.

War is a reality my Dad never thought I would have to deal with, till September 11th happened. I came home from school that day and my Granny, Mom, and Dad were all there. I was suprised Dad came home from work and that Granny was there...I was a few months shy of 13 when it happened, and I wasn't quite undertanding what that moment meant for our country. My Dad said that it meant war.

Three years later I found myself sitting up all night worrying about two people I cared about who were over there. One was someone I was in a relationship with, and the other was a guy I'd known since I  as 6 years old and considered a brother. My brother Steven. Everytime Steven called home my parent would talk to him and then I would. He was in communications so we talked a lot when he was in Iraq. We lost touch during one of his tours. I found out after he made it home that he'd been in Afghanistan. He came home, got out of the Marines, but he's never been the brother that left me. Everything about him is different. He watched friends die, and I couldn't imagine that at the time. Since then, I've had a friend murdered, but not in war. It's different. It's a lot different. I hope I never ever have to know.

Freedom doesn't come free. We should honor those who fight for our rights. They made a choice to do this. They signed up for the honor to serve their country. It isn't like it was with Vietnam, where they were drafted and didn't have a choice. But it's a shame what we did to those boys when they came home. A man that taught me history in high school, Coach Jones, was in .Vietnam and he said that when he came home (after taking a bullet as big as my freakin arm in the gut) was spit on. He should have been considered a hero, because even though he was shot he still flew the hellicopter he was piloting. But he wasn't because people didn't like the war. Well, I don't like the war we got into in Iraq, but guess what? Who gives a gosh diddly dang if I don't like it? Those soliders are fighting and dying over there because they feel like they have a reason to, and that's all that matters to me. They deserved to be respected, honored, and thanked. I would glady smack someone right in the face if I ever saw them spitting on a soldier.

On a side note to my incredible rant, Ewan McGregor is in the movie I'm watching now (Black Hawk Down) and I think he would have made an excellent Remus Lupin in the Harry Potter movies. I like the actor they have as him, but not for that part. Just like I don't like Gary Oldman as Sirius Black. Hugh Jackman should have been Sirius.

Alrighty, that's enough for tonight. I'm exhausted. Maybe next time I'll write about my crazy obsession with Harry Potter, or just write about more movies in general. Or maybe write about my friend Shelley. Or my Dad. Who knows?

Good night all, and drive safely in these insane arctic temperatures.

Alison

Midnight Madness

So I've tried other bloggings sites before but can never seem to blog consistantly about anything of a great importance. But I figured I'd give it another go. First, I'll introduce myself.

Hi, I'm Ali.

Yeah, I like purple eyeshadow.

I am 22 years old and I live in the smallest town in the world. Okay, that's an exaggeration. At least my town has a few gas stations, a Sonic, and a McDonalds. We used to have a Dairy Queen, but alas, it has shut down. Anyway, I digress. I went to high school here until I was a Junior and I had a major Come-To-Jesus-Moment with myself and left, along with my trust two best friends, and started college early. As it stands now, I'm set to graduate December of 2011 with a BA in English, and I have no idea what on earth I'm going to do with the rest of my life.

Besides get married. Yeah, I know I'm gonna be doing that. That's him :) Isn't he pretty? His name is Zach, but I just call him mine. We're getting married June 9th, 2012, and I'm super excited to be Mrs. Alison Hernandez. God totally knew what he was doing when he picked him for me. Our story is almost as epic as his pony-tail and guitar playin skills, but may-haps I shall save that for another post.

Besides getting engaged, I've had a lot happen to me in the past few years that's shaped the person I've become. I wont go into too much detail. Again, it's best saved for a post entirely of it's own, but lets just say I'm looking forward to some better days.

Lately though, life has taken a turn for the bestestest! I started going to SAGU last spring and at first, it sucked. I was lonely, dealing with a douchebag boyfriend (that I ditched and got with my future hubby dearest), dealing with some other trauma, and finding out that my friends kinda sucked. But last semester I made a few friends, and this semester I've made a few more. I'm not lonely, have gotten over my fear of chapel, and have even grown closer to God and am in a better place in my life, spiritually, than ever before. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect by any means. I screw up ALLLL the time, haha. But at least I know where I stand, and I know that I can firmly stand there and not be wavered. Solid ground is a pretty neat place to build a home on, if you know what I mean.

Hmmm, anything else I should share in my first attempt at this thing? I'm a writer. Or, well, I want to be one anyway. I write just about anything and everything, even the occasional haiku. I've never attempted a lymric, but there is a first time for everything! Right now I'm working on finishing a novel that I've been working on for quite some time now. My goal is to have it finished, oh, this century. No,just kidding haha. I'd love to have it finished by the end of next summer, and maybe have it published before I graduate college. You know, at least then I'll have a plan.

As it stands now, my plan is to stay in college forever. I mean, of course I'm gonna have to find a job (hopefully this job will be as a career author) but as soon as I get done with my BA, I'm headed right into my Masters. I'm gonna get a Masters in Creative Writing, and then go for my Doctorate. And then after that, I'd like to go back and get another BA in History. Yeah, I'm ambitious, but I'm kinda smart so I think I could do it.

Well, I don't really know what else to write about myself at the moment, so I will leave you all with a song. Good night all you fellow Nerdy Folk!
Alison

"Better Days"-Goo Goo Dolls

And you ask me what I want this year

And I try to make this kind and clear

Just the chance that maybe we'll find better days

Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings

And designer love and empty things

Just the chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words and sing out loud

Cause everyone is forgiven now

Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I need someplace simple where we can live

And something only you can give

And that's faith and trust and peace while we're alive

And the one poor Child who saved this world

And there's ten million more who probably could

If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words and sing out loud

Cause everyone is forgiven now

Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight

And somehow stop this endless fight

Just the chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words and sing out loud

Cause everyone is forgiven now

Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

Cause tonight's the night the world begins again