A Boyfriend? What? Q&A

First, I am going to frankly and candidly address some of the questions/statements I already know I'm going to hear. I'm heading you all off at the pass. Secondly, I'm going to give a small explanation that I don't owe anyone, just cause.  This first part shall be in Q&A format.

Q: But what about Zach?
A: What about him? You know nothing about my previous relationship. You know nothing about what has gone on after that relationship ended. If you did, you wouldn't be asking that question.

Q: Don't you think it's a little soon?
A: I was worried about this, to be honest. Then I talked to one of my favorite people, my cousin Bonnie, and she said something very wise. "There is no time limit on happiness." And there is no time limit to moving on. Again, you know zilch about my previous relationship nor how long he and I had been having problems. We were over a long time before we actually pulled the plug. It doesn't matter if you think it's too soon, it matters if I and Jeremy think it's too soon. We don't. :)

Q: What does Zach think about it?
A: No, the real question is: Alison, do you care what Zach thinks about this?
Yes, if I'm going to be honest. I never wanted to hurt him. But I'm also not going to put my life and happiness on hold due to him. He's done some questionable things since we've been broken up and he hasn't exactly been honest. So, yes I care. But it isn't going to stop me from living my life the way I see fit.


Q: What does your mother think?
A: She thinks I'm 24 years old and can make my own choices, that's what she thinks! She loves me and wants me happy, that's all that she cares about. I'd tell her the same exact thing I'm telling you and she knows it: mind. your. business.

Q: Are you just afraid of being alone?
A: Absolutely not. There isn't actually very much that I am afraid of. I could be alone if I wanted to, but I don't want to and I don't have to be. Why force myself not to be with someone I genuinely care for when there isn't anything that's really standing in our way? I know who I am and Jeremy isn't the type who would want to change me. He likes my silly, candid, and abrasive self. He doesn't want me to be anyone but me. And he gets that people change and grow and we just want to see where this could go. There isn't anything wrong with that so please, don't try to make it so.

Q: Dating another younger guy, huh?
A: Yep. He's 2 and a half years younger than I am. Hey, I've done worse okay? I used to like them way too old for me. Pick your poison.

Q: Well, I'm Zach's friend too and I don't think this is right, so I don't think we should be friends anymore.
A: That just shows you and I were never friends in the first place. Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya! Bye!



I'm going to be 100% honest with you, reader: I am scared to death. I'm scared what people are going to say, if people are going to give me a hard time about this, and I'm worried about how Zach will take it. Contrary to popular belief, I do care for Zach very very very much...I just don't want to marry him. We are  not meant to be, at least not that I can see right this second. I never wanted to hurt him and I still don't, but if not hurting him means I have to put mine and Jeremy's happiness on hold, I'm not willing to do that. I can't live my life for someone else, that wouldn't be fair. I'm not going to ask Zach to make his decisions with my feelings in mind. He isn't my fiancee anymore, but that doesn't mean I don't want him to be my friend someday. I truly don't want to hurt him, but sometimes that just cant be helped.

And yeah, I'm scared that I'll get hurt. I really hate the idea of another failed relationship under my belt. But if I let fear stop me from giving my heart another shot, I'll never get anywhere. You can't let the fear of pain and heartbreak stop you from letting yourself open up to the possibility of loving someone again. That isn't even living, really. I don't know if Jeremy will still want to be with me in six months and that's okay. He may wake up tomorrow and go, "Oh heck no, this girl is a hot mess," and be on his way. I cant promise I wont change my mind either. But it's a risk we're willing to take. I'm willing to gamble on him, on the possibility of an us.

Here is a question I promise no one will ask. No one will even consider asking it because most people on concentrate on the negative in a situation.

Q: What makes Jeremy Worsham so special?

The answer is simple: He's different, and his kind of different and my kind of different are the same kind of different. He gets why I cry when one of my favorite characters die. In some cases, he'll be crying right along with me. He doesn't try to grab my butt in public after I ask him not to, and he doesn't tell me I'd be lost without him. He knows I wouldn't be. He LIKES that I'm completely capable and that, if I'm mad, I could possibly beat him up. And oh, how he makes me laugh. He truly makes me smile, and I cant remember the last time I just smiled for no reason.

But most importantly, Jeremy inspires me. I haven't always made the best judgement calls and in the past I've had a hard time being in relationships. Sometimes I still throw up this wall and he can just see it on my face, I've completely shut him out. But that's when he just hugs me and tells me he'll wait me out until I'm okay. Jeremy wants me to be better then I ever have been. He makes me want to stop making the same stupid mistakes and just be happy instead of always fighting it. He makes me want to take down those stupid walls I've built to defend myself. He isn't someone I need or want to hide from. It's a nice feeling.

I'm happy. He's happy. So lets just see what happens, neh?

We're just starting this thing, we have no idea where (if anywhere) this is gonna go. The only thing I am asking for is your support. My having a relationship isn't going to affect your life. It isn't going to impede on your day to day and it truthfully has nothing to do with you. I have a huge problem with people getting mad at me over my choices when it has nothing to do with them. You don't have to like every choice I make. I doubt I like every choice you make. If your worried about me, thank you from the bottom of my heart,  but put that worry where it belongs. Respect the fact that I've earned the right to be wrong every now and then, and if I am wrong about this, I'll own it later. But for right now, I have a boyfriend. I do. And no amount of meanness or anger on anyone else's part is going to change that. I'm pretty stubborn like that. Respect me and I'll respect you, that's always been my number 1 rule (besides after number 2, you always flush!) and I hope people will understand what I'm asking.

All the people that matter to us are excited for us. People think we're a great couple and see how happy we make each other. I think in time all the skeptical people will see that. And then there are the people who are going to talk badly about me, accuse me of cheating on Zach and all that other ridiculousness, and to you I say this: KICK ROCKS. I have better things to do with my time then to deal with false accusations and bull. I didn't cheat on Zach. Zach didn't cheat on me. We just ended. And all endings spark new beginnings.

This is the start of something new. And, of course, since it's my life, this should be very interesting.

Alison

This Little Light of Mine...

A few days ago, something happened made me take a minute to stand still. I was forced to sit and think about what it means to have faith, what kind of world I really live in, and whether any of us are ever truly safe. I had to face, not for the first time in my life, the fact that evil really exists and needs to be battled. As an individual, I was horrified, angered, disgusted, saddened, and moved in a way I haven't been in a very long time. And as a member of this society and this nation, I had to assess myself and understand that until we face the true issues and reasons why things like this happen, we'll never make a bit of difference. And that is simply unacceptable. 

I don't know anyone from Newton, Connecticut. I don't know anyone who was directly involved in the situation, but every time I turned on the television I was moved to tears and my heart broke over and over again. I will not pretend to know what it feels like to lose a child. I don't know what it's like to be a parent. But I am a friend, and I know what it feels like to lose someone you love to a horrendous and senseless act of violence. I know what it does to you and the road it takes you down over and over again, and on December 14th, I was reminded of that place. I was reminded of the destination I ended up after I lost Shelley and I remember just sitting there and saying, "I don't know what to do." And it took me months to figure out there there wasn't anything I really could do except keep breathing while I still had breath. 

How do you convince a 7 year old that they are safe at school after they just saw their classmates shot and killed? Children all over America lost a little bit of that magical spark of innocence as the news of this tragedy spent and parents all over America were horrified by the fact that their kids might not really be safe anywhere. The question I've heard over and over on the news is, "How do we show the kids that they're safe? How do we make them feel safe?" 

The long and short of it is...you can't. Not without lying to them. You can't tell a 7 year old, "Well honey, I can't tell you that you'll be safe. I can't tell you that you can go see a movie without getting shot. I can't tell you that you can go to your elementary school and nothing bad will happen. I can't say that someday you'll go to college and no one will open fire in your classroom. I can't guarantee you that someday, someone won't break into your apartment and kill you in your sleep." No, you can't tell a 7 year old that. You have to make them feel comfortable, convince them that everything will be alright. These harsh realities are burdens that us adults should bear alone. Should being the operative word here.  

Things like this shouldn't happen. They just shouldn't and it pisses me off that they do. But the stone cold truth is that it does happen and it will continue to happen no matter how many precautions we take. Go ahead and take away the guns. People will find other ways to kill if they want. Tighten security at the schools. People will find other places to kill if they want. We live in a fallen world and evil isn't something that we can shut our eyes to and pretend it isn't there. The killing of 27 women and children and the death of a possibly deranged and broken  20 year old is proof of this. It would be easy to sit here with righteous anger and wish that young and broken man to burn in hell for the horrendous thing that he did...but wouldn't that just make us part of the problem? 

One of the victims was named Emilie Parker. She was a beautiful little blue eyed six year old girl with her whole life ahead of her. Her father spoke to the media to honor his little girl and tell the world how much this baby was loved and loved in return. He then said something I will never, ever forget. He expressed his condolences to the family of the shooter, understanding that they were going through a nightmare as well. He said that he wasn't angry. Of all people, this man had every right to curse the very name of the gunman and has every reason to hate him for eternity. But Robbie Parker gets it. 

The shooters reasons don't matter. They truly don't, I agree with that. I don't care why he did what he did, I just know that he did it. I don't know anything about this guy. I don't know if he was picked on as a kid and felt like nobody loved him, or if he was abused. I don't know if he was seriously ill and his family and friends failed to encourage him to seek help. I have no idea what the circumstances of this kids life was. The only thing I know is that guy must have been filled with a kind of hate that is absolutely unimaginable to me. I cannot fathom killing my own mother, going to an elementary school and killing 20 babies and 6 women, and then turning the gun on myself. I'm not the type to jump on the "demon possessed" bandwagon...but...I fully believe this kid fought a spiritual battle and lost.

I don't think stricter gun laws are going to keep me safe. It couldn't hurt, but I'm being realistic. I also don't think stricter laws about how to handle the mentally ill is going to make me any safer either. Also couldn't hurt, but seriously. I think there is only one thing that we as a society and a nation can do that will make any dent on keep tragedies like this from happening again: change ourselves. 

Where there is God, there is hope. I know when things like this happen, it seems like we live in a time where depravity reigns king, but that's just the devil jabbering in your eye and dancing before your eyes. This was not of God. God is the abundance of joy. He is everything good. And He is my King. So maybe instead of just talking about Jesus, it's time to start acting like Him. Sure, we're human and we're flawed, but at the heart of us I still believe that we can be creatures of great beauty. God didn't put me on earth to be meek and to turn my back on my fellow man. He didn't put me here to let myself be filled with hate and be desensitized. God gave us, as His people, the ability to change. 

And it starts one person at a time. I've held in a lot of hurt and anger over the past three years. Not hating someone who took away someone you love is easier said than done, take it from someone who knows. But since what happened on Friday, I've found myself praying for the man who took Shelley away for the first time. I pray that he finds God and that God opens his eyes and lets him understand what he did. I hope he'll find the strength to be a man and admit what he did and possibly give us some answers. And finally, I pray that somehow, some way, God will help me forgive him because I need to. Forgiveness isn't for him, it's for me. It's to take a burden off my heart, not his. He will gain nothing by my forgiveness. He'll still be sitting in his cell remembering what he did, hopefully for the rest of his life. But I can't be apart of the change I want to see in the world if I am unwilling to take that step myself.

All in all, I don't really have any answers. Sometimes I still think about Shelley, and I still say, "I don't know what to do." I don't have any words that is going to make anyone feel safe. But I can give you this piece of advice: don't worry so much about the fact that you aren't safe, and don't be afraid. Fear isn't going to do you any good and you can't wear it like a bulletproof vest. Death is the great neutral party and the great equalizer. You can't hide from it, so there isn't any use in being afraid that it might steal you away in the night. But what you can do is live your life in a way that when your time does come around, you can look back and say, "Yeah, I can live with that." Teach your children to love, not hate. Be up-lifters, not bullies. And as they grow and start to realize that safety is a myth, tell them that there are worse things in life than not being safe. There are worst things than dying. Why spend your whole life living in fear and being a stain on the world when you could help paint a mural that proves that humanity isn't completely hopeless? I know the world seems like a scary place, but don't let yourselves be blinded to the wonders of it all. To the wonders of life. 

I'm only 24 and I'm not exactly anyone special. I am flawed and fully faulted, but I can at least say to some degree of surety that I am not a blight on humanity. I refuse to be a part of the problem, so I have no choice but to be a part of the cure. Please, be a beacon of light in a world that seems a little darker now. Instead of wearing armor made of hatred and fear, wear armor of hope and faith. This is how you save lives. This is how you make the world a safer and better place. Help the children of this world understand what "This Little Light of Mine," is really about.

Maybe there is an answer. A very simple yet incredibly far reaching answer. Love. 

Alison