I can't believe I'm here again. Only this time, it's different. The next step isn't just another step in rapid succession. Now it's like every step means something more. I feel like I'm actually moving forward.
That was me when I was 17 or 18. I'd just started taking college classes full time. I was still brokenhearted and blaming every male on the planet for it. I was just hitting my stride when it came to finding some confidence. I actually felt almost pretty. I was hanging out with people I'd met at Navarro as well as my best friends from high school. I hung out with Shelley a lot in those days. Shelley, Grady, Colin and Dillon formed a group we called the Zombie Hunter Ripoffs. We would take walks at midnight pretending like we were Zombie Hunters. We ran from skunks and laughed until we woke up my Dad . We lived at each others houses. I cried and clung to Shelley on my front porch as we said goodbye before she moved to Dallas. I never imagined Shelley would be dead within two year. I met a guy at Navarro who fell in love with me but I didn't feel the same, or so I made myself believe. I still don't know what was wrong with me. He became my best friend. I never thought that six or so years later, I wouldn't even know his number.
Here I am at 19. I thought black hair would make me seem daring. It only made me seem pale. Dad freaked out and yelled at me when he saw it. I thought he was being unreasonable and oppressive. He was just trying to save me from feeling super stupid about it later, which I did. I started dating this guy and my Dad didn't like him. He tried to tell me it was a waste of time; the guy had the I.Q. of a paperweight. The relationship only last five months. I also became a part of a family of friends that made so much noise in the lounge at Navarro that we got put in our own classroom, just to hang out. We made spaghetti in crock pots in the hallway and gave the Dean of Students slices of "better than sex" cake. We played video games, held kangaroo court, and I fell in love with Taylor. I got my heartbroken over and over by the same person. I slid head first into a washing machine and gave myself a concussion. I never thought those days would come to a quick and abrupt end. I never thought those friends, The Crew, would turn on each other. We all made mistakes we can't take back.
Here I am again at 19. I dyed my hair purple after Taylor dumped me. He dumped me a lot. This was only the first time. I could fake a smile really well in those days. I never thought I would really miss my purple hair.
This is me at 20. I started dating Taylor again. I was at my most confident. All the guys in our group liked me. I still don't know why, but I felt pretty. I wasn't afraid to do the chicken dance in front of fifty strangers. I wasn't afraid to speak my mind, unless it was to Taylor. I started dressing like a girl. I loved being in a dress. We had a party every weekend. I had the tightest group of friends. I still do, just not with the same people. Drama started. People were jealous of me for the first time in my life. But why me?
I'm still 20. Dad had a took that fell out, but the wound wouldn't close. He went to the doctor and they did a biopsy. He had cancer. A whirlwind of doctor visits discovered two kinda. He sat with me and Mom on the back porch and they told me. I cried and screamed and told him I couldn't lose him. He cried and told me something I'll never forget. "I'm not afraid to die, baby. But I'm not ready yet." He wanted to walk me down the aisle someday. To hold my babies. I knew I'd lose my parents. God willing, they would go first because that's how it's supposed to be. Parents shouldn't bury their children. Taylor dumped me again. Dad started chemo and got really sick. I called Taylor over and over one week because he was my best friend and my Dad wasn't doing good. He ignored me because he was with his ex girlfriend at the beach. I never truly got over that one, even when we got back together. Shelley died. She was murdered. I screamed. I had nightmares. I was filled with rage. I remember her funeral vividly. I saw and spoke to people I hadn't in years. I hugged someone I hadn't in a long time. I forgave him. There was more important things in life than the guy that broke my heart when I was sixteen.
I'm 21 now. Dad is recovering from chemo and the tumor in his lung shrank half it's size. He's considered a cancer survivor because his mouth cancer is gone. He gets a purple tshirt and gives it to me. He always gives me tshirst to sleep in. I start at SAGU and the divide between me and my old life at Navarro grows. The gap between Taylor and I grows wider still. I was super lonely that first semester. I made a friend named Sam. He was cooler than he'll ever give himself credit for. I think about transferring. People aren't always nice to the Baptist in a Pentecostal school. Chapel freaks me out because people dance, lift their hands, and speak in tongues. I was taught differently. I don't care about fitting in as much as following my own heart. I felt God move in me. He drew me to a passage. "Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh,"-Luke 6: 21. Who knew that, come summertime, I would cling to those words like a lifeline?
I'm 22. Dad's gone and I'm engaged. I can't believe this. I meet two people who would become two of my greatest friends, Majken and Elizabeth. They keep me sane. They accept me, crap and all. Mrs. George becomes my second mother/sister/mentor/friend. She and Dr. Amy become my support system. They love me and I don't know why. I am hurting, but I am also healing. I'm moving toward being in a good place. My "friends" from Navarro stab me in the back three months after I lose my Dad. But I move past it with ease. I have Zach. I have my Mom. I have Majken and Elizabeth and the rest of the English department. I can do this.
Hey, that's me a few weeks ago. I'm 23 now and I'm happier than I have been in a long time. I'm engaged to the greatest person on the planet. I miss Daddy and Shelley everyday, but I can think about them and smile. They loved me. I loved them. How lucky am I? To have known these wonderful amazing people? To have the memories I do? How blessed I am! I am still healing. I have my bad days. Emily, Majken, Elizabeth, Justin, and Zach help. Jessica, Lindsay, Tabitha, Erin, Megan have become some of the greatest friends I have as well. Mrs. George still rocks. I feel like I have the respect of my teachers. I have the love of a great man. I have a greater love of an amazing God who enabled me to understand that, no matter how many tears I shed, there will always be laughter. Life is taking the bad with the good. Thank God for my imperfect humanity.
In a little under five months I will be taking a few more steps toward my future. I will reach out and not only grasp the future, but a diploma! I'm freaked out, but I'm ready for whatever life has left to throw at me. I've been at the bottom, in the middle, back to the bottom, and on top. I am not afraid to fail. I don't fear failure. I'm not scared to die. I'm ready to laugh in the face of danger and grad school! I've accepted the fact that everyone dies. But I've also learned that not everyone truly lives.
Life isn't about pursuing only pleasure. It isn't only about seeking the divine. It's a balancing act. Nothing is going to go the way you think it will. Not everyone is going to think like you do. Most people aren't going to care how you feel. And you will never know everything. Maybe you'll never know anything. That's okay too. I don't know that I know anything either.
If I could go back, maybe I would do things differently. Maybe not, though. I probably would have given Dad more credit than I did. Him and Mom knew their stuff. I'd probably give the guy with the I.Q. of a flobberworm (if you get the reference, I'll kiss you) a swift kick in the jacobs. I'd punch that one girl in the face. I'd definitely tell Daddy how proud I was and am to be his daughter. I'd tell Shelley that she was an inspiration. I'd go back in time and save her if I could.
I think I'm ready to get lost in this big ole' world. I'm glad I wont be alone.
In five months, I'm sure I'll have more to say about the future. But for now, here are some lessons I've learned about life and about growing up.
Don't let anyone tell you that you aren't beautiful,
God made you, God loves you, so love yourself.
Don't cry because it's over,
Smile because it happened.
Live life the best you can,
Because you have to live the life you choose.
If you love someone, for pete's sake, tell them!
There is always that chance they wont be here tomorrow.
Pray every day, as often as you need to,
and don't care what people say about it.
Listen to your music as loud as you can,
and dance like you're absolutely insane.
Do everything they told you that you'd never do,
and smile while you do it.
And after you've done all this to find yourself,
Lose yourself.
Let go everything you think is you, because it isn't,
It's God.
Love,
Ali
