An Explanation I Don't Owe: A Birthday Blog

In about twenty minuets, I will have seen the 15th of November for the 24th time. I usually write about the ways my life has changed over the past year, how I feel about said changes, and maybe even throw in a few life lessons. But this year there is just too much to say.

I've noticed that as I get older, life changes all the quicker. It's a daily thing, an hourly thing, and I have given up on keeping up. Time has a way of going on whether or not you're ready and that's something I've had to come to terms with. It seems like I climb one mountain just to be met with another. They say God gives us trials to make us stronger. I guess He wants me to be a super hero.

One of my biggest changes of this year happened in the past two weeks, and I really don't want to talk about it. It isn't one of those changes I can just sit here and impart some random bit of wisdom from and move on. I have to explain why this change had to happen. It's an explanation I don't owe anyone, not really, but I'm going to give it anyway. No, I don't want to talk about it...but I need to. And more often than not, what we need and what we want are two separate deals.

Two years ago, I thought by the time I was 24 I'd be married to the person I wanted so badly to be the love of my life. I was so happy to be engaged to someone I thought was absolutely perfect for me. I thought everything was going to be so different and it killed me to watch it all fall apart so slowly that I saw it coming from a mile away. I fought it, I fought it so hard because I wanted it so bad. But what we need and what we want...well, you know the drill.

In the beginning, it was as easy as breathing. I was hurting so badly from the loss of my daddy and my relationship before him coming to an end. I felt like I was losing so much and when he came along, I gained an entire new life. It felt like everything was perfect for the first little while, or at least I wanted it so much that I ignored the warning signs. I went against my instincts, knowing that we were too young and it was all too fast. Too much. Too everything.

After a while we just stayed together because we felt like we'd be more miserable being apart. I can't speak for him, but it was slowly killing me inside. We weren't kind to each other, we both split the blame right down the middle. The day I'd finally had enough, the moment I handed him his ring back was one of the hardest things that I've ever had to do. But we deserved better.

Eat. Pray. Love. is one of my favorite books and one of my favorite movies. There is a point in the memoir/movie when Liz realizes that her relationship is over and it's all thanks to a visit to Rome. She went to the Augustiam. It's a scene that talks about ruin, brokenness, and it's a scene that I always relate to. I have always felt like something is broken inside me, something I've never been able to fix no matter how hard I've tried. I've always thought it was such a bad thing, but as I've gotten older I've come to think as Liz does, that ruin is a gift. It is the road to transformation. I am constantly changing and moving and growing and probably becoming a little more broken and a little closer to fixed with every day I draw breath.

"Both of us deserve better than to stay together because we're afraid we'll be destroyed if we don't."

People change, and sometimes we change apart instead of change together. I transformed in different ways than he did and we just couldn't be together anymore. We deserved better than the hurt we were feeling. As much as we split the blame, I don't even think it was either of our faults. Sometimes there is no one to blame, things just happen. It wasn't the we fell out of love. Our love didn't have the right kind of foundation to begin with. By the end we just stopped talking and stopped listening and stopped caring. And I just couldn't do it anymore.

I'm 24 years old now. Or at least I will be at 6:52 this evening. I'm old enough to know when to let go. It didn't kill me, it didn't break me. It was just another moment of change that I've had to live through. But I know in the very depths of my soul that we made the right choices for us.

I miss him. I will miss him for the rest of my life. And even if he decides that he cant be my friend, I will always be his. I will always want the very best for him. I hope someday he finds someone who will love him so much better than I ever could. I hope he finds someone who stirs his soul the way I feel like he deserves. It's then he'll realize she makes him feel like I never could.

My explanation was kind of drawn out, but it really is very simple: I believe in a love that most people believe only exist in novels or movies. I believe that someday I will find love, and it will be the kind of thing that people write about. I believe in it and I deserve it. And I wont settle for less than that. I wont settle for anything less than a love that can overcome even death. God has shown me how to believe in something like that, even if it is risky.

Not exactly the usual Happy Birthday blog, but eh, I'm in a melancholy mood.

Have a great day everyone, and do me a favor? Believe.

Alison

In This Town of Halloween

Since I have a few minutes before I have to leave for work, I've decided to bless all you readers (the whole one of you, love you Grady!) with my incredibly hilarious story about how I eneded my Halloween night by filling out a witness statement. Grady, you were there, so you know the story, but maybe (just maybe) someone else will actually read this and find it as entertaining as I did the night that it happened. And yes, I realize I remember an incredible amount of detail from this event, but I was paying very close attention because, frankly, I didn't want to go to jail. Alright, here goes!

So after the candy was gone and Grady and I arrived back at my house after going on a little jaunt, we watched Hocus Pocus (best. movie. ever!) with Jeremy and Justin. Justin left soon after the movie was over and we three that were left quickly became bored and unhappy at the fact that it was 10 O'clock on Halloween night and we were inside watching the Science Fiction channel. So we did what any other young people in their twenties would do; we went walking.

As soon as we stepped off my property, we notice this insanely large group of teenagers in the middle of the road. When they saw us, they scattered. This was the first sign that they were up to a little Halloween mischief. We three quickly realized we'd probably made a mistake in going walking on Halloween night seeing as all the delinquents were probably out egging houses and we kind of looked like likely suspects. I mean, Jeremy and I were wearing large hooded sweatshirts and Grady was in my Panda hat. We looked like delinquents.

We were headed toward Jeremy's house when I realized we were walking with a small group of kids. Grady and Jeremy both had the same reaction to the situation we found ourselves in; head down, walk faster, get out of the situation. Me being who I am had a different reaction; get a good look at the kids, talk as much as possible, and remember details.

This being said, I need to make a side note. I generally don't like narks. My parents always told me that there was nothing worse than  rat. I dunno if they were trying to prepare me for a possible future in organized crime or what, but yeah, in my home you did not rat out your fellow man. I totally understood and agreed with this point of view and would not have ratted out these kids under any circumstances, except one of these kids made a fatal mistake. Wanna know what it was? Oh I'll tell ya.

So the kid we were walking next to was about Jeremy's height, Hispanic, and had on glasses and a ball cap. He told me that he was eighteen and from the next town over. He inquired about my age and I told him I was just a few weeks shy of 24 years old. This is when the fatal mistake was made. This little moron had the nerve to look at me and say, "You're old as f***!"

O_o

Yep. He went there. Cuss word and all. What did I do, you ask? Well my first instinct was the punch the kid in the baby maker. Or, you know, throw him into someones back yard that housed a pit bull or something. But I kept my cool. I had a feeling my chance for revenge would come. And it did, in the form of a short kid in an orange hoodie and dark Justin Bieber hair.

"I'm gonna egg this house!" yelled Bieber.

"Don't you EFFING dare!" I yelled back, stopping in the middle of the road and pointing at the kid. "We three are over the age of eighteen and will get into more trouble than you are worth! Throw that egg and you WILL rue the day!"  I volleyed a few more threats his way and that's when Jeremy, Grady, and I decided to walk a little faster. The idiot was going to throw an egg at a house that's lights were on!!!!!! Why!!!!!! They're awake, eff tard!

When we got to the stop sign, that's when we heard it. CRACK! "Lets power walk!" I said, and we were gone. As Grady and I stood in Jeremy's yard waiting for him to get done inside, I watched these kids walk toward the town park. I've got pretty great eyesight (better than perfect woot!) so I could see them get into a dark car and turn it on. Jeremy came outside and we headed in the opposite direction.

"When this car drives by, lets get the plates. It's those dumbass kids. I have a feeling we're going to need this information." I thought this because while Jeremy was inside, we'd seen a cop driving around spotlighting. Someone had called the cops on these kids. Great. You bet your bottom dollar that when that car drove by, we got the first three digits of the plate.

At that point, we probably should had just given up and gone home. I mean, we KNEW the cops were gonna hassle us. But I think at that point we were so bored, we kind of welcomed it. At least I did. I was out for blood. Well, revenge at least. That a-hole called me old.

No sooner did we step onto my street did we see the mysterious car drive past us again. Behind them was a police cruiser. Instead of following the car, however, the cop put on his lights and pulled over next to us. When he opened the door to shine a large flashlight in our eyes, I pointed down the street and yelled, "They went that way!" Jeremy and Grady told me to shut up, that I sounded guilty, but I didn't want them to get away! Argh, the frustration!

"What are you guys doing?" asked Officer Buzz Cut

"Walking. Cause we're bored," I replied.

"How old are you three?"

"23, 23, 21." I noticed by this time that I was the only one talking.

"Oh!" The Officer suddenly became much nicer. "Have ya'll seen any kids running around?"

"YES!" And I quickly explained our story. I told him the break lights in the distance were the snot nosed kids who were doing the throwing of the egg, gave him the plate number, and watched him hop in his car and take off into the night.

We continued walking and not long after that, we saw lights in the distance. The cop had cauht the little buggers! We walked on in glee, but when we made it to the high school, we were once again stopped by Officer Buzz Cut. He asked us a series of questions about what we saw in which we all quickly figured out that I'd gathered more detail than my comrads. He then asked us to fill out a witness statement. We all reluctantly agreed. I wasn't too thrilled about it being on record that I was narking, but my lust for revenge meant more to me than my pride as a past fellow delinquent.

And so our night ended with us sitting in the front yard waiting for the Officer to come back around and pick up our witness statements. We talked about the evening, pondered on the fate of the eggers, and I was satisfied by the score I'd settled.

I learned three things this recent All Hallows Eve: 1. Hocus Pocus is much funnier as an adult and never gets old. 2. You know you're too old for Halloween romping when you start getting kids in trouble for making mischief. and 3. I really don't like to be called old.

Hope this made you giggle a little. Cheerio!

Alison