Be Brave

***WARNING: SPOILERS LIVE HERE***

What does it mean to be brave?

Dictionary.com says that bravery is courage, valor. But what does that really mean?

This is just one of the many questions that Veronica Roth's Divergent Trilogy poses. I can't speculate as to the what the author was thinking, but I'd like to believe that throughout this trilogy, right up to the final words of the third book, Allegiant, Roth is trying to help us find our own answers.

This final book has come into my life at an interesting time. Recently, I've been sick, and not the regular kind. I'm the kind of sick that needed about 7 vials of blood to be drawn. Most of the tests came back negative, except for one. One test came back completely inconclusive. It wasn't negative, wasn't positive, just right in the bloody middle, literally telling us nothing. And what was this test for? Lupus. For those of you who don't know, Lupus is caused by something going all wonky in your immune system. Basically, your cells start attacking your body. It can be painful, scary, and cause minor and major complications. Lupus is really hard to diagnose because it is the great pretender. It basically shares symptoms with several other diseases, so it makes it harder to pin-point. I wont be tested for another year unless I start exhibiting other symptoms, though the aches, swollen joints, and fatigue have been enough to put me in bed already. But it has to get worse before it can get treated. Not better. It wont get better. Just treated.

I always knew I'd end up with something. I thought I'd made my peace with that. But I always thought it would be cancer. I don't know why Lupus seems so much more daunting than cancer. Probably because I've seen several of my family members, including my daddy, battle cancer. I know people can beat it just as well as they can die from it. But Lupus...there isn't a cure for that. If I have Lupus, I will have it for the rest of my life unless they find a cure. A lot of people live pretty much normal lives with minor complications. But this disease does kill people. It is a real possibility that, if this is what I have, it will end me.

I don't know what bothers me more, the fact that I have a possibly life threatening disease, or the fact that it doesn't shake to the core. When the doctor called me I'll admit, I was taken aback. My first reaction was, "What?! I'm gonna be 25 next month! That is way too young to deal with this! And why do I have to wait a year?!" The waiting is what scared me. Over analyzing everything my body does, waiting for another symptom. Waiting to get worse.


So, how is this related to Allegiant? Oh, I'll tell you.

THIS IS WHERE THE SPOILERS START!!!! 

The Divergent Trilogy follows the character of Beatrice 'Tris' Prior as she defects from her faction (the way this dystopian world is divided) of Abnegation to Dauntless. Every faction has a quality it is known for. Candor is honesty, brutal and otherwise. Erudite is the search and thirst for knowledge. Amity is to strive for a peaceful life. Abnegation is to be completely selfless. And Dauntless is to be brave.

What it truly means to be brave is probably the greatest and loudest theme in these novels. Though we also deal the themes of love and forgiveness, especially in the final novel, the one thing that jumps out at me is the theme of bravery.

If I were part of Tris' world, I would be Dauntless. I say this with conviction because bravery is one of the aspects of humanity I value the most. I will not suffer a coward, and would promptly punch anyone in the face who accused me of cowardice. But I wouldn't be the "lets just off buildings and on and off trains," kind of Dauntless. I see bravery in every faction, and I would try to be that way. I would do my best to face my fears instead of cower in front of them, as the Dauntless do. I would strive to live for others before myself, as Abnegation does. I would tell the truth, even when the truth is terrifying, like Candor. I would try to find a peaceful solution instead of resorting to unneeded violence,  like Amity. I would strive to be unafraid of my intelligence, like Erudite.

But what does it mean to be brave?

Allegiant is an incredibly heartbreaking story because of its ending. The girl we follow from book one, the one who watch morph from a clumsy, small spindly thing into a strong, solid, courageous young woman, who we all see ourselves in, makes the ultimate sacrifice. The reason it is so hard to swallow is because it was so unexpected in that moment. She was the soul narrator of the first two books, but the 3rd book switches point of view between her and the man she loves, Tobias. I, personally, thought that Roth would bring her back because, I mean, who kills one of the narrators?! But when we find out that is indeed true, Tris is dead and Tobias is left reeling, we are hit with the full force of her death.

I just finished the book a few hours ago, but a few hours is enough to give me time to mull over how I feel about what I read. At first, I'll admit, I was pissed. I felt like the character death was completely unnecessary and just gratuitous. I mean, we already knew Roth had absolutely no problem killing off her characters. Did she really need to go that far? But the more I've run that question over in my head, the clearer the answer becomes: Yes. Yes she did.

I as a reader identified so much with Tris in the first two novels, or at least I tried to. Who doesn't want to be strong, independent, a leader? Who doesn't want to start a revolution? Who wouldn't want to know they are strong enough to die for the ones that they love?

But I wasn't Tris. I don't think any of us were really mean to be Tris. We are Tobias. We are the ones who are left behind.

We learn so much about what it means to be brave from Tris, through her actions and sacrifices. But Tris is only part of a whole. The other half is the man she loved, the man she ultimately died for. Tris died when she had nothing left to teach us, and then we had to learn right along with Tobias how to let that go and move on.

I'm relatively young to have seen some of the things I have. I buried one of my best friends after she was slaughtered, and ten months later I watched the life drain from my father with my own two eyes. I know what death looks like up close. I know what it feels like to watch someones life literally slip right through your hand. I cannot tell you in words what it felt like when I felt the warmth leave my dad, his skin growing cold and stiff under my fingers while I held his hand, waiting for them to wheel him away. And I can't really explain the crushing feeling I felt when I was told Shelley was gone. The way the pain gnawed at me until I was numb. Some things aren't explainable. You have to live through it to understand it.

I am Tobias because I am flawed. I, like him, fear being damaged and rebel against it from time to time. But I am damaged, and so are you. The world, our circumstances, are constantly breaking us and reshaping us into different people. And bravery, to me, is my will to survive and go on living.

I don't know if I will ever have to make a choice like Tris made. I don't know if I will ever be asked to die for the people I love. I can only hope I would make that choice as easily as she did. But I do know what it is to lose someone, to be the one left behind to pick up the pieces and try to find a new way.

Toward the end of the novel, Tobias says, "There are so many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves laying down your life for something bigger than yourself, or for someone else. Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known, or everyone you have ever loved, for the sake of something greater. But sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through the pain, and the work of every day, the slow walk toward a better life. That is the sort of bravery I must have now."

And that is the sort of bravery I must have now, also. Whether it is surviving more death, or living with an illness, I have to continue to grit my teeth and keep moving forward. I can only hope to be another sort of brave, but I know I can be this. Lupus isn't the worst thing that could happen to me. There are worse things than being sick. There are worse things than death.

The final passage of the book goes like this: "Since I was young, I have always known this: Life damages us, every one. We can't escape that damage. But now, I am also learning this: We can be mended. We mend each other."

I want to be like Tris. That is something I will always strive for. But for now I'm okay with being like Tobias. I'm no coward. I can do this. I can mend someone, and I can let someone mend me. I can be brave.

And so can you.

Alison