Shelley's Bracelet

When most people think about the date September 11th, the attack on our country is usually the first thing that comes to mind, and rightly so. I was only thirteen, but I remember the events of that day quite well. I remember being scared and wondering why people would do such a horrid thing. My parents were sad because they had wanted their daughter to grow up without needing to know what real war is. I remember feeling proud to be an American because, for the first time in my life, that had become a very important thing. But when I think about September 11th, those planes sliding like butter into those buildings are not the first image that comes to my mind. 

I think of a girl with a beautiful smile. I think of the feeling of shock and horror.  I think about the void that was left when the sun went down on that day. I remember knowing that nothing would ever be the same. I think about a bracelet. 

I was in my Creative Writing class September 11th, 2009, talking about poetry. I was trying to read one of my poems to the class when my phone started vibrating. I ignored the first few phone calls, all from a guy named Colin who I hadn't spoken to in two years. He and I used to be great friends and ran around with the same group of people, but we'd had a falling out. Colin, Dillon, Shelley, Grady and myself used to be together all the time, but time goes on and people move away, or just change, and so our group of friends went by the way side. Colin called three times in a row, and I couldn't for the life of me understand why he was trying to contact me after two solid years. Whatever it was, it'd have to wait till after class. 

Then my best friend texted me. She told me she was coming to my school and for me to meet her in the hallway. She said it was important. She told me not to answer the phone if anyone called, just wait for her. This terrified me. My best friend Emily is also my cousin, and so I immediately thought the worst. I waited in class until she got to the school and then went outside into the hallway to meet her. Then Emily told me something that changed life as I knew it. 

I think I knew something was wrong before Emily's texts, or even Colin's phone call. All that morning I'd had a feeling of dread. Not the usual sadness I felt on 9/11. No, this was different. I felt like I was just waiting for a metaphorical bomb to drop right on top of me. And drop it did. 

"I don't know if it's true, so don't freak out yet, but it's all over facebook..." Emily paused. She looked like she was trying to figure out a way to soften the blow. Finally she drew in a long, shaky breath, figuring that she'd just give it to me straight. "People are saying Shelley Nance was murdered." 

At first I just shook my head. "That's ridiculous. Who would kill Shelley?" I didn'ts tart to panic. I didn't even blink. I thought it was a stupid rumor. I knew how our small town worked, people misconstruing information all the time. Shelley was the most mild mannered person in the world. No one who knew her for longer than five seconds would harm a hair on her head. But then I felt a real fear creeping up my spine.

"Em, are you sure they aren't saying Shauna?!" I half shrieked. Shauna is Shelley's older sister. I knew she lived in Arlington and thought maybe she was mugged or something on the way home from work. This is a crazy world we live in, after all. But Emily just shook her head.

"Then what the heck are people talking about...." and then it hit me. Colin had called me. Several times. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and called him back. He answered the phone, his voice raspy as if he'd been crying. I didn't even say hello. "Just tell me it's a rumor," I said, my voice flat, emotionless. "Tell me you called me to tell me not to panic, it was a false alarm. She's okay. Tell me she's okay." 

There was a heavy silence. So heavy you could cut it with a knife. "I'm so sorry Ali...I'm so sorry." 

Later, I was told that I screamed right before I hit the floor. I don't remember my friends Bobby and Sydnie running out of classroom and enveloping me. I just remember them being there, asking what happened. I just remember Emily telling them that a friend I was once very close to had been murdered. Bobby pulled me into his lap and stroked my hair.

I calmed down long enough to call my mother. I scared her half to death, crying big heavy sobs into phone, hardly able to speak. She yelled at me, told me I had to calm down long enough to tell her what happened. "Shelley's dead, Mom! Shelley's GONE!" 

"What?! Shelley! No! What happened?" she asked me through tears. 

"Someone murdered her, Momma!"

Momma told me how sorry she was. She told me to calm down before I drove home. She would be home as soon as Daddy was done with his chemo treatment. I still had my Dad in those days. Mom told me later when we they got home that Daddy had just shaken his head, said "Not my little Shelley," and cried.  My Daddy had been a talker, a lover of laughter, yet he didn't say another word till they got home. 

The phone calls started not long after that, people asking me what had happened. Shelley had been one of my best friends since the 3rd grade, so everyone assumed I knew details. I didn't. I called Grady and we cried. She was driving to Italy. We wanted to be together. Caitlin called me. She was beyond stricken. My boyfriend Taylor got into his car as soon as he read the text message that said, "My friend Shelley was killed. Please, come." 

A lot of it is a blur now, those days leading up to her funeral. I remember my Daddy holding me while I cried a lot. Facts unfolded, as did rumors, but no one really knew what exactly had happened .I woke up from nightmares after finding out how she had been murdered. Stabbed to death. I later found out she was possibly asleep. I don't think I'll ever know if she woke up and fought, or if she stayed asleep through the entire thing and felt nothing. I hope she never felt any of the 42 stab wounds she was inflicted with. I hope she was dreaming the whole time. The funeral was brutal, to say the least. Grady and I found out courage and spoke about our friend. When we sat back down, I collapsed into tears and Taylor held me and told me he was proud of me. I still don't know why he said this. And then it was over. Life was supposed to go on as normal. But it didn't. 

A few months later Grady and I went to visit Shelley's parents. We looked at old photographs and laughed and cried with her mother, who was like my other mother growing up. There had been an arrest, her boyfriends roommate, and her mom told us things we probably didn't want to know, but needed to. Before she left, she gave each of us something that was Shelley's. I got that bracelet. Shelley had worn it nearly every day. I remembered it.

I don't wear the bracelet. I'm too afraid of losing it. I get it out of its place in my jewelry box from time to time and smile at the colorful beads and yin-yang sign. Blue and purple smiley faces next to gray and red beads with strange designs on them. A mix up that had no reason or rhyme. It was all jumbled up, but seemed to work. It was just so Shelley.

Shelley Nance died on September 10th, 2011, and was found in her bed on September 11th, which is the date on her headstone. The trial starts soon, finally, and I pray for justice. I know it's not Christian, but I want that man to die for what he did. The rage I feel for him hasn't decreased any. Someday maybe I'll be able to pray for him, for his soul, but I haven't yet. I haven't risen to that level yet.

On Sunday it'll be two years since she's been gone. It doesn't feel like two years have already passed us by. I remember it like it was yesterday. I still feel like I've been punched in the stomach when I think about it. But then I look at this bracelet and I cant help but smile a little. It helps remind me that Shelley's gone, but I cant let the grief take me over so completely that I forget that she was ever here. 

The bracelet speaks volumes about the type of person Shelley was, flaws and all. The smiley face beads remind me of her smile, straight and white without the aid of braces. They remind me of her laughter, so contagious and feminine. The gray and red beads with the smoke like designs remind me of her art. She was a brilliant artist, attending The Art Institute, her dream school. The yin-yang symbol reminds me of her quest for balance. Balance between art and other school work. Between certain friends. Between dreams and reality. She was such a unique person, a fearless person. She moved to a big city after living in a country town her whole life to follow her dream of becoming a great artist someday. I wish she'd have known then that she was already a great artist.

I miss Shelley more and more as every day passes by. If I miss her this much after two years, how much will I miss her in ten? Some days I run the risk of being consumed by the void that so much death has left in my life. I struggle, remembering the broken look on her mothers face as she dropped the bracelet into my hand. I want to honor Shelley's memory by doing something great and extraordinary with my life. I want to make sure that no one ever forgets her. I guess this is a start. 

"If I Die Young"- The Band Perry

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh, uh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger,
I've never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand,
There's a boy here in town who says he'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well,
I've had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (uh, oh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls