I have been doing a lot of thinking about self-identity lately. I'm reading the non-fiction story called Eat. Pray. Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert. It is her account of her life after going through a terrible divorce and the mental and spiritual crisis she went through during this time. She realizes that she's always found her self identity wrapped up in other people, never wondering who Liz actually is. It has been helpful for me to read because I've realized over a period of time that I have done the same exact same thing. The memoir is divided into three different parts. First, we go through her time in Italy where she is seeking happiness and pleasure and escape from her depression. Second, we find ourselves in India in the Ashram of her Guru, exploring her journey to God. And lastly, we travel with her to Indonesia where she finds love.
Anyone that knows anything about my story knows about Taylor. He was such a huge part of my life for two years, it'd be difficult to have missed hearing about him. But some of you have simply heard of him as "my ex-boyfriend", not in the other ways that I saw him for those two years of my life. Taylor was my best friend. In many ways, he was the bright spot in a world full of gray. When we first met, both of us were in serious relationships. Well, he was in a serious relationship, I was in the middle of making a huge mistake (but that's another story). We became instant friends, taking refuge in one another and in the fact that we were practically the same person living in two different bodies. The first week that we met, we finished each others sentences, had every interest (aside from computers) in common, and felt like we practically lived inside each others heads. Well, eventually our relationships imploded in on themselves, and we clung to each other like two refugees just expelled from our countries due to a horrible war. That was our first of many mistake,s and though it would take two years, that is what inevitably tore us apart.
I want to be clear about one thing: I do not hate Taylor, nor does he hate me. We don't speak, it's better that way. I am engaged to be married to a wonderful man and it is largely out of our shared respect for my beloved that we have decided we cannot have a friendship. We cared very much for one another, but we both made mistakes and said things in the end that we can't take back and can't forget. We hurt each other. Neither of us is going to lay the blame 100% at the others feet. That isn't fair, isn't right, and would demean everything that he and I shared. Yes, there are times that anger still rises up in me and I say things about him that I shouldn't, and I'm sure he does the same. It's easy to look back and remember all the horrible that someone has done to you, conveniently forgetting all the horrible that you participated in.
Two years doesn't really sound very long when you put it on paper. I know couples that have been together way longer than that. To them, two years sounds superficial. But when you think about all the life that you live in two years, it's a long time. Taylor and I went through hell and back together. We broke up, got back together, fought, made up. We dealt with his Mom having strokes, my Daddy becoming ill with cancer, and one of my best friends dying. We held on and pushed each other and hated each other and loved each other all at the same time. We needed each other. We needed away from each other. We became family.
Somewhere in those two years, I lost who Alison was. I noticed that if Taylor was in a bad mood, it ruined my whole day. Taylor tended to take his bad moods out on me, so if there was even a hint of struggle in his voice or irritation in his text messages, I would completely fall apart because I knew what was coming next. Every day I would check my facebook apprehensively because something on his page would almost always make me cry. Something he would say to another girl, mostly, but sometimes it was what he wouldn't say: I have a girlfriend. He would hardly ever tell people that he had a girlfriend. I know it sounds extremely superficial, but one thing I wanted more than anything was for him to put "in a relationship" on his facebook. I wanted to be claimed. I wanted him to be proud to be with me. But he never did, and it broke my heart a little more every day.
Another thing Taylor never did in two years is tell me that he loved me. Two years is a very long time to go fighting and fighting and hoping and hoping, only to be disappointed every time. Every day I prayed and hoped and waited, and every day I was let down. You see, Taylor was in love with someone else. Shortly before he started dating me, his girlfriend of five years left him heart broken and alone. Shortly before that, his mother had a major stroke that left her without speech and use of her left side. Taylor was in such a deep, dark hole that he just couldn't pull himself out of. I tried so hard to reach inside that darkness, to provide a little light for him, and I did. I believe that I did, but it wasn't enough. I couldn't go where he was, and he couldn't seem to catch his breath long enough. To me, being heart broken is a choice. At some point in the grief and pain, you have to decide to get up and smile. You have to say "Today, just for today, I am going to go on with life like I was never hurt," and eventually, it will become reality. Taylor could never make that choice, and I couldn't make that choice for him.
I think our relationship truly ended March of 2009. We broke up (he dumped me for the 2nd time) and two weeks later my family and I were faced with the horrible reality that my father had cancer and it was bad. Taylor came to the hospital when Daddy had surgery. But after that, Taylor retreated completely from me. He still talked to me when he was lonely, but for the most part I didn't hear from him. One week in May my Daddy was so incredibly sick from chemo, we didn't know if he would make it. I tried calling and calling and calling Taylor but he wouldn't pick up. I found out the next week that he'd gone on a little mini vacation with his ex girlfriend. The girl that constantly stood in my way when it came to him. The girl who I didn't think deserved to breathe the same air as Taylor, as badly as she'd hurt him. It was then I realized the ugly truth that he was trying to get back together with her, and had abandoned me when I truly needed him the most. At the end of the summer, his ex ended up with a brand new boyfriend, dumped him on his butt again, and he came crawling back. We got back together, but I'd checked out emotionally. Then September happened. Shelley was murdered and Taylor was there more than he ever had been. I thought maybe it was a new start. I was wrong.
Don't get me wrong, I will be eternally grateful for the way Taylor helped me hold together during those first few weeks after Shelley's death. Without him, I honestly don't know what I would have done. I had never experienced such a horrible loss and it left me breathless. Dependent. But Taylor and I broke up again in December (his third time for breaking up with me) and though he's never admitted it, I'm fairly sure he started dating a girl I'd noticed he'd started hanging out with more. That didn't work I'm guessing because 11 days later, on Christmas day, we were back together. But something changed. We both felt it, standing there on our road. We held each other and we knew that the magical bond that had held us together all that time was gone. Nothing was ever the same. That was when I started praying.
We didn't see each other for three days. We didn't see each other till the 6th of June. And the 5th, everything changed. I was working in the library and I was just down. Daddy was getting worse by the day and the doctors told us to make him comfortable. I was losing my Daddy. The only man in my life that had never let me down, who had loved me completely and unconditionally, was going to die. It was a horrible reality to face, but face it head on I did. I didn't have much of a choice. Daddy would want me to "take it like a man" if you know what I mean. In that library, I sat reading my Bible, and I was reading Acts. A few words in a passage jumped out at me. Peter said, "Who am I to oppose God?" Now I'd asked God many times for a sign on whether I should leave Taylor or not, and I never got one. But I realized that perhaps I wasn't asking for the right reasons, nor with the right heart. I was asking Him what He wanted me to do, instead of just letting Him do it. So then and there I shut my Bible, put my head in my hands, and I gave up. I literally just sighed and said, "Okay, fine, I quit. It's yours. It was always yours. You deal with it. I'm done. What do you want to do?" As soon as I said, "amen" the door to the library opened. A tall boy with a pony tail walked in and smiled at me. That was all it took. I'd known this boy going on 8 years, but in that moment, I was seeing him for the first time and he was seeing me. I haven't ever really heard God talk to me, but I felt Him say something very significant to me in that moment. He said, "You've finally asked the right question. You've finally lost enough to appreciate what I'm about to give you. You're going to keep losing, I can't make people live forever, but you're done fighting. You asked for it, so here's your answer."
I had no idea that Zach was my future husband at the time. All I knew in that moment was I had gone all fuzzy and couldn't really stop grinning like an idiot. I was suddenly a sixteen year old girl. When Zach left, he gave me his phone number, saying he wasn't sure why we'd never exchanged numbers before then. I took it and text him about two hours later, saying that I was glad we got to hang out even briefly. The next day I went to the park to hang out with him while he let his little brother Jon play. And it all came spilling out. Everything about Taylor, the things he'd done, and Zach listened, playing guitar and telling me I deserved better. I already knew that, but it was nice hearing him say that. I left the park and went to hang out with Taylor for a little while, and on the way Zach texted me. He told me that he knew it was random, he knew I had a boyfriend, but that if he had a girl as beautiful, funny, and special as me, he'd never let her go. He said, "I'd be a fool to let you go. I wish I could be the guy to make you happy." After that, it was all he wrote.
Taylor and I broke up on the 12th of June. I had becoming distant over the week and Taylor knew something was coming. He was never the jealous type. He didn't give a crap who I hung out with and hung out alone with other girls all the time, whether I had a problem with it or not. But he told me I couldn't talk to Zach anymore. Apparently I talked about him a little too fondly. I was texting him a little too much. I looked Taylor square in the eye and said "I find him interesting." Taylor was losing me, and he didn't count on me letting myself be lost. He got angry with me one night and told me, "He can have you!" and instead of crying and begging, I sighed and said, "Okay." He was flabbergasted. "What? Okay? What do you mean." I remember telling him that I couldn't make him love me, that I didn't want to try anymore. I was tired, and I deserved to be happy. He said, "Why do you sound like you already have your mind made up?" Because I did. I had since the 5th of June.
On the 12th, I drove to his house with a box of things I'd collected over two years and I told him it was over. He cried as I drove away, and found tooth and nail over the next few months to try to win me back. But it was too late. Taylor always told me that once I had my mind made up, I held on to my decisions with a vise grip and didn't waver. He knew this would be no different, but he had to try. I was the one. I was the girl he was supposed to marry. He did love me after all. I wondered if maybe he could change, teeter-tottered between Zach and Taylor and I hurt them both. I was horribly confused and watching my Daddy float away from me as every day went by. As the light faded in my Daddy's eyes, so did the light in mine. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to let him go and Taylor go at the same time.
I was in the room when my Daddy died. I remember running from the room and ending up on the front lawn, on my knees, screaming my heart out into one of my best friends laps. Then Taylor showed up and pulled me into him. He nor Zach had left me in days. They tolerated each others presence, even though their dislike for one another was fully established, because they needed to be there. Taylor was in pain as well. Taylor was apart of my family. He was grieving my Daddy's loss as well. As he cradled me in the front yard, though, I had only two thoughts: my Daddy is dead, and I want Zach. And that was when I made my choice. I looked up into Taylor's eyes and I think we both knew that it was over in that moment. I think we knew it wasn't him I wanted anymore. I didn't need him anymore.
Two years doesn't really sound very long when you put it on paper. I know couples that have been together way longer than that. To them, two years sounds superficial. But when you think about all the life that you live in two years, it's a long time. Taylor and I went through hell and back together. We broke up, got back together, fought, made up. We dealt with his Mom having strokes, my Daddy becoming ill with cancer, and one of my best friends dying. We held on and pushed each other and hated each other and loved each other all at the same time. We needed each other. We needed away from each other. We became family.
Somewhere in those two years, I lost who Alison was. I noticed that if Taylor was in a bad mood, it ruined my whole day. Taylor tended to take his bad moods out on me, so if there was even a hint of struggle in his voice or irritation in his text messages, I would completely fall apart because I knew what was coming next. Every day I would check my facebook apprehensively because something on his page would almost always make me cry. Something he would say to another girl, mostly, but sometimes it was what he wouldn't say: I have a girlfriend. He would hardly ever tell people that he had a girlfriend. I know it sounds extremely superficial, but one thing I wanted more than anything was for him to put "in a relationship" on his facebook. I wanted to be claimed. I wanted him to be proud to be with me. But he never did, and it broke my heart a little more every day.
Another thing Taylor never did in two years is tell me that he loved me. Two years is a very long time to go fighting and fighting and hoping and hoping, only to be disappointed every time. Every day I prayed and hoped and waited, and every day I was let down. You see, Taylor was in love with someone else. Shortly before he started dating me, his girlfriend of five years left him heart broken and alone. Shortly before that, his mother had a major stroke that left her without speech and use of her left side. Taylor was in such a deep, dark hole that he just couldn't pull himself out of. I tried so hard to reach inside that darkness, to provide a little light for him, and I did. I believe that I did, but it wasn't enough. I couldn't go where he was, and he couldn't seem to catch his breath long enough. To me, being heart broken is a choice. At some point in the grief and pain, you have to decide to get up and smile. You have to say "Today, just for today, I am going to go on with life like I was never hurt," and eventually, it will become reality. Taylor could never make that choice, and I couldn't make that choice for him.
I think our relationship truly ended March of 2009. We broke up (he dumped me for the 2nd time) and two weeks later my family and I were faced with the horrible reality that my father had cancer and it was bad. Taylor came to the hospital when Daddy had surgery. But after that, Taylor retreated completely from me. He still talked to me when he was lonely, but for the most part I didn't hear from him. One week in May my Daddy was so incredibly sick from chemo, we didn't know if he would make it. I tried calling and calling and calling Taylor but he wouldn't pick up. I found out the next week that he'd gone on a little mini vacation with his ex girlfriend. The girl that constantly stood in my way when it came to him. The girl who I didn't think deserved to breathe the same air as Taylor, as badly as she'd hurt him. It was then I realized the ugly truth that he was trying to get back together with her, and had abandoned me when I truly needed him the most. At the end of the summer, his ex ended up with a brand new boyfriend, dumped him on his butt again, and he came crawling back. We got back together, but I'd checked out emotionally. Then September happened. Shelley was murdered and Taylor was there more than he ever had been. I thought maybe it was a new start. I was wrong.
Don't get me wrong, I will be eternally grateful for the way Taylor helped me hold together during those first few weeks after Shelley's death. Without him, I honestly don't know what I would have done. I had never experienced such a horrible loss and it left me breathless. Dependent. But Taylor and I broke up again in December (his third time for breaking up with me) and though he's never admitted it, I'm fairly sure he started dating a girl I'd noticed he'd started hanging out with more. That didn't work I'm guessing because 11 days later, on Christmas day, we were back together. But something changed. We both felt it, standing there on our road. We held each other and we knew that the magical bond that had held us together all that time was gone. Nothing was ever the same. That was when I started praying.
Now I don't mean that I didn't pray UNTIL that moment. Of course I'd prayed before, but I started praying differently. I started praying for myself to find a back bone. I started praying for strength for me to survive, not for our relationship to survive. At that point, that wasn't my concern. Daddy got better, but then he got worse. He was dying. My best friend went to the Army and I cried and cried. Taylor yelled at me and told me to shut up, stop making a big deal about it, and that him playing video games was more important than me hurting over my friend. Suddenly, a dam broke and everything I'd felt over the past few years just poured out. For the first time, I stood up for myself. It shocked him. He didn't apologize, but he did say that he deserved it. I would love to tell you all that he never spoke to me that way again, but that wouldn't be telling the truth.
Our two year anniversary rolled around and I was disappointed to not even receive a phone call. I called him that night and told him how hurt I was. He informed me then that he didn't love me, didn't know if he ever would, and that I cared too much about him. I was too selfless. I was too needy. He found other girls "interesting". At first I cried and promised to change and we hung up and everything seemed fine. Till I looked myself in the mirror. I was red faced, puffy eyed, and sad. And that wasn't me. I did need to change, but not for Taylor. Not to make him happy. Not to conform to be the kind of girl that he could love. He should have already loved me. I went above and beyond the call of duty for him. I rearranged my life countless times to meet his needs, took him back when he didn't deserve it, and this is how he treats me? And I apologize? How is this love?
I had no idea that Zach was my future husband at the time. All I knew in that moment was I had gone all fuzzy and couldn't really stop grinning like an idiot. I was suddenly a sixteen year old girl. When Zach left, he gave me his phone number, saying he wasn't sure why we'd never exchanged numbers before then. I took it and text him about two hours later, saying that I was glad we got to hang out even briefly. The next day I went to the park to hang out with him while he let his little brother Jon play. And it all came spilling out. Everything about Taylor, the things he'd done, and Zach listened, playing guitar and telling me I deserved better. I already knew that, but it was nice hearing him say that. I left the park and went to hang out with Taylor for a little while, and on the way Zach texted me. He told me that he knew it was random, he knew I had a boyfriend, but that if he had a girl as beautiful, funny, and special as me, he'd never let her go. He said, "I'd be a fool to let you go. I wish I could be the guy to make you happy." After that, it was all he wrote.
Taylor and I broke up on the 12th of June. I had becoming distant over the week and Taylor knew something was coming. He was never the jealous type. He didn't give a crap who I hung out with and hung out alone with other girls all the time, whether I had a problem with it or not. But he told me I couldn't talk to Zach anymore. Apparently I talked about him a little too fondly. I was texting him a little too much. I looked Taylor square in the eye and said "I find him interesting." Taylor was losing me, and he didn't count on me letting myself be lost. He got angry with me one night and told me, "He can have you!" and instead of crying and begging, I sighed and said, "Okay." He was flabbergasted. "What? Okay? What do you mean." I remember telling him that I couldn't make him love me, that I didn't want to try anymore. I was tired, and I deserved to be happy. He said, "Why do you sound like you already have your mind made up?" Because I did. I had since the 5th of June.
On the 12th, I drove to his house with a box of things I'd collected over two years and I told him it was over. He cried as I drove away, and found tooth and nail over the next few months to try to win me back. But it was too late. Taylor always told me that once I had my mind made up, I held on to my decisions with a vise grip and didn't waver. He knew this would be no different, but he had to try. I was the one. I was the girl he was supposed to marry. He did love me after all. I wondered if maybe he could change, teeter-tottered between Zach and Taylor and I hurt them both. I was horribly confused and watching my Daddy float away from me as every day went by. As the light faded in my Daddy's eyes, so did the light in mine. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to let him go and Taylor go at the same time.
I was in the room when my Daddy died. I remember running from the room and ending up on the front lawn, on my knees, screaming my heart out into one of my best friends laps. Then Taylor showed up and pulled me into him. He nor Zach had left me in days. They tolerated each others presence, even though their dislike for one another was fully established, because they needed to be there. Taylor was in pain as well. Taylor was apart of my family. He was grieving my Daddy's loss as well. As he cradled me in the front yard, though, I had only two thoughts: my Daddy is dead, and I want Zach. And that was when I made my choice. I looked up into Taylor's eyes and I think we both knew that it was over in that moment. I think we knew it wasn't him I wanted anymore. I didn't need him anymore.
Truth is, I didn't need Zach either. I wanted him. For the first time, I was very aware of the difference between those two things. I knew in that moment that life would never be the same, but life never really stays the same. Life goes on and on until suddenly, it doesn't. I needed to get far enough away from Taylor that I could decide for myself who I wanted to be. I didn't need him deciding for me. I deserved to be treated with respect. I deserved to matter. I am important. I felt so unloved for so long that I'd forgotten that I was always loved. I am loved by God, my family, myself, and now by my future husband, Zach. I am loved. I am strong. No one gets to dictate how I feel on a daily basis. No one tells me that video games are more important than me. No one breaks plans with me to go hang out with another female alone. No one leaves me with a sick father and goes to the beach with their ex girlfriend. No one puts baby in the corner!
Now to the two million dollar question, or two one million dollar questions: Do I still love Taylor, and why did I write this ridiculously long blog that no one but me will ever read?
When I think about Taylor, sometimes I get angry at him, but sometimes I'm thankful to him. Because of him, I learned so much about myself and my life. I wont lie to you, reader, and say that our relationship was rainbows and butterflies, but I wont say that it was all bad. We had some wonderfully hilarious moments and share some of the most amazing memories. I am happy when I think about those times. But what Taylor and I had was never love, not in the way that I wanted it to be. We were best friends who tried to be something more, and we failed. The harder I clung to Taylor, the further he pulled himself away from me. He needed space and I needed less space. He told me after we broke up that he'd only needed a chance to miss me. It's a sad reality, but now he gets to miss me...forever. Taylor has made it clear that he hasn't moved on quite yet, at least in the past. He's compared our story to The Notebook. I will never be the person to say "this will never happen" because I have said this too many times in my life only to be proven wrong. The only thing that I know for sure is that I am totally and completely in love with the man I feel like God put into my life. I am going to marry this man in a years time and we are going to have a wonderful, adventurous, and beautiful life together. He means more to me than I could ever describe and I find myself in awe at the amount of love I see in his eyes when he looks at me. This is what I know.
Why did I write this? That's simple. I wanted to tell every girl out there one simple thing: Find out who you are, and never let anyone else tell you different. Do NOT let anyone, male of female, make you less than what you are. You are a creation of the Divine. You are GODS child. You are beautiful because God made you. You are important because God made you important. He dwells inside you, and if you let someone use you and treat you like second best, you are letting them treat God that way. Ask God the right questions. I was so wrapped up in someone else, I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped seeing the Alison that God created. I will never do that again, for anyone.
When I think about Taylor, sometimes I get angry at him, but sometimes I'm thankful to him. Because of him, I learned so much about myself and my life. I wont lie to you, reader, and say that our relationship was rainbows and butterflies, but I wont say that it was all bad. We had some wonderfully hilarious moments and share some of the most amazing memories. I am happy when I think about those times. But what Taylor and I had was never love, not in the way that I wanted it to be. We were best friends who tried to be something more, and we failed. The harder I clung to Taylor, the further he pulled himself away from me. He needed space and I needed less space. He told me after we broke up that he'd only needed a chance to miss me. It's a sad reality, but now he gets to miss me...forever. Taylor has made it clear that he hasn't moved on quite yet, at least in the past. He's compared our story to The Notebook. I will never be the person to say "this will never happen" because I have said this too many times in my life only to be proven wrong. The only thing that I know for sure is that I am totally and completely in love with the man I feel like God put into my life. I am going to marry this man in a years time and we are going to have a wonderful, adventurous, and beautiful life together. He means more to me than I could ever describe and I find myself in awe at the amount of love I see in his eyes when he looks at me. This is what I know.
Why did I write this? That's simple. I wanted to tell every girl out there one simple thing: Find out who you are, and never let anyone else tell you different. Do NOT let anyone, male of female, make you less than what you are. You are a creation of the Divine. You are GODS child. You are beautiful because God made you. You are important because God made you important. He dwells inside you, and if you let someone use you and treat you like second best, you are letting them treat God that way. Ask God the right questions. I was so wrapped up in someone else, I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped seeing the Alison that God created. I will never do that again, for anyone.
When Eat. Pray. Love. first started playing in movie theaters and the book became popular, I went to a book store with Taylor with the intent of buying this book. This was the 6th of June. He took it out of my hand and told me there was no way he was going to let me buy this book. When I asked him why, he told me that with the way I was acting, I'd read this book and suddenly feel the need to go on some spiritual journey and I'd just end up dumping him. So I didn't buy the book. In August, Zach came home one weekend from college and handed me that book. He told me that he didn't care if I needed to go on some journey after I read it. He would go with me. I am just now reading it, a year later, and I feel like I'm going on this journey with Liz. But I also realize that it is a journey Zach and I will go on, and that I will go on and have gone on many times in my life. Life is this journey. Liz needed a year in three different countries to get her act together. I needed to lose people.
Love God and love yourself. Everything else in life is just a roadside attraction on a journey that will take you your entire existence on this earth to complete. Travel this road with grace, kindness, understanding, and perseverance. Do not waver from what you believe. Do not back down. Take the road less traveled by. And smile every day :)
"I Wish The Best For You"-Emerson Hart
How long can we wait here
To say goodbye?
The words once they're spoken
Are words that we can't take
Back to where we were, before
Things got in the way
Life gets so confusing
When you know what you're loosing
You
Me
Why can't we see that there's
More to love than we'll ever know
Sometimes you're closer when you're
Letting go
I wish the best for you
I wish the best for you
We'll both regret the hurting
That we will do
You'll learn to forget me
And I'll try
I'll try to forget...
You
Me
Why can't we see that there's
More to love than we'll ever know
Sometimes you're closer when you're
Letting go
I wish the best for you
I wish the best
If you ever need a place that you can run to
I'll be here, I'll be here
You
Me
Why can't we see that there's
More to love than we'll ever know
Sometimes you're closer when you're
Letting go
I wish the best for you
I wish the best for you
To say goodbye?
The words once they're spoken
Are words that we can't take
Back to where we were, before
Things got in the way
Life gets so confusing
When you know what you're loosing
You
Me
Why can't we see that there's
More to love than we'll ever know
Sometimes you're closer when you're
Letting go
I wish the best for you
I wish the best for you
We'll both regret the hurting
That we will do
You'll learn to forget me
And I'll try
I'll try to forget...
You
Me
Why can't we see that there's
More to love than we'll ever know
Sometimes you're closer when you're
Letting go
I wish the best for you
I wish the best
If you ever need a place that you can run to
I'll be here, I'll be here
You
Me
Why can't we see that there's
More to love than we'll ever know
Sometimes you're closer when you're
Letting go
I wish the best for you
I wish the best for you
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