It wasn't over. It's still not over.

All day, every day, I tell stories. I guess that's why I'm a writer, because I have something I need to say and my soul can't be quiet until the words find themselves bubbling out. And lately, I've had something to say, and even as I write this, I'm not sure I can say it.

A problem arises when one is a story teller. Sometimes we need to tell a story that isn't only ours to tell. How do you know when you're about to cross a line that cannot be uncrossed again? Tell secrets that aren't only yours to tell? When you share your life with people, you share your dreams, passions, fears, and disappointments. You share a story.

Lately, I've been taking a walk down memory lane. I went through my facebook, looked at my posts that went back three years nearly. Why did I do this? Because I wanted to remember.

Maybe it's because June is here, and June holds so many bitter sweet memories for me. Maybe it's just a need to repent. I did a lot of things wrong last summer that I can't take back. Maybe it's missing the people who used to be around, who can't be around anymore simply because of death and circumstance. Maybe it's just be reflecting on the choices I've made.

The weird thing about lief is that sometimes you have to delve into the past in order to move on with your future. You have to find out what can be forgiven, and the things that you'll never be able to forget.

You can throw away the birthday cards. You can burn the photographs. You can give them back a box of their stuff. But what you can't do is make the memories fade. Memories have a way of burning their way into your senses. I see a car, I smell a flower, I watch a movie, and I go back to a place that maybe I don't like revisiting.

There are lots of things I wish I could say that I can't because this isn't only my story to tell. My trip down memory lane was painful, and I found so many places where we all went wrong, but I wouldn't change any of it. Not one moment. If I could go back, I'd simply enjoy it a little more. I wouldn't take any of it back because, in the end, it was worth all the pain and the tears and the moments when I was left behind.

Time doesn't stop and ask our permission to keep moving. Every day ticks by and before you know it, a year has gone by between where you are and where you've come from.

 The memories wont let me simply move forward with life and forget it never happened. Even if I could, I wouldn't, because what I found then was as real as what I have now. I made choices that affected my life and other peoples lives irrevocably. Sometimes, you make choices that you know you can't back down from. You make commitments to people that break other peoples hearts and you have to let that go. But I'll never not be sorry for hurting the most important people in my life with those choices.

I wasn't happy, so I made a choice to do whatever I had to do to be happy, and that ended up hurting someone else that I never thought I'd ever hurt. For that, I'm truly sorry.

I'm happy where I am now. I have a good life. I miss my Dad and Sweetheart and Shelley and everyone else I've lost, but I still have a good life. I have lost a lot of friends, but the ones who stayed by my side are amazing, and the new ones I've made are just as inspirational. I have a Mom who adores me, a family who supports me, and a cat that loves me too. And I'm getting married to a man who thinks I hung the moon and stars, even though between the two of us, he's the wonderful one.

For what it's worth, I never meant to hurt anyone. I never meant a lot of things to happen. Sometimes fate just literally knocks on the door and you have to make a choice. I knew I was making the choice between two futures and I don't regret my decisions. I just regret the way I did it.

It wasn't over, and it's still not over. It's never going to be over because I'm still always going to look back and remember those times with my friends and loved ones. Just because time moves us into another stage of life doesn't mean we're ever supposed to to forget the people we had to let go. Certain parts of life can't begin until another part fades into the background, but that doesn't make it over. And it doesn't mean we can't miss the places that we came from.

I know this wont make sense to most people, but I know it will make sense to a few and those are the few that matter. Someday, maybe, I'll tell more of the full story, but for now, I think it's better that those stories remain ours.

See you soon then,
Ali

"Like We Used To"-A Rocket To The Moon

I can feel her breath as she's sleeping next to me
Sharing pillows and cold feet
She can feel my heart; fell asleep to it's beat
Under blankets and warm sheets

If only I could be in that bed again, if only it were me instead of him

Does he watch your favorite movies, does he hold you when you cry?
Does he let you tell him all your favorite parts,
When you've seen it a million times?
Does he sing to all your music, while you dance to purple rain?
Does he do all these things, like I used to?

Fourteen months and seven days ago,
Oh I know you know how we felt about that night
Just your skin against the window, but we took it slow and we both know
It should've been me inside that car

It should have been me instead of him in the dark

Does he watch your favorite movies, does he hold you when you cry?
Does he let you tell him all your favorite parts,
When you've seen it a million times?
Does he sing to all your music, while you dance to purple rain?
Does he do all these things, like I used to?

I know, love (I'm a sucker for that feeling)
Happens all the time, love (I always end up feeling cheated)
You're on my mind, love (oh darling, I know I'm not needed)
And that happens all the time, love

Will he love you like I loved you, will he tell you everyday?
Will he make you feel like your invincible with every word he'll say?
Can you promise me if this was right, don't throw it all away
Can you do all these things, will you do all these things?

Like we used to
Oh, like we used to