When it hits you...

It hits me at different times. Sometimes it's at school if someone mentions how much they miss their parents because the live far away from their home town. Sometimes it's first thing in the morning because I've just had a dream about him. I wake up, thinking "Oh my gosh, he's alive!" only to realize the contrary. If I'm lucky, it's in the middle of the night and no one can see me/hear me cry, except maybe Zach sometimes if he's here late. He holds me, tells me he wishes he could change things, and then he'll stay quiet and let me cry. But when he's not here, I just hold myself and stare at the picture sitting on my bookshelf. I'm wearing a pink shirt and I'm smiling. I'm wearing black nail polish and I remember him crinkling his nose at it. His beard was black and gray and in full fluff mode, and his green eyes are twinkling. He didn't care much for taking pictures, but for some reason he was okay with that one. He's wearing an old gray long-sleeved shirt, and I'm sure an old pair of blue jeans and his brown shoes.

Tonight it hit me because I found one of his ancient jackets in the back of my closet. I remember him handing it to me one day and telling me to put it there, he didn't have room for it in his. I didn't want it, it was old and I didn't want to waste my precious clothes space, but he just looked at me sternly, so in the back it went. Tonight, cleaning out some of the clothes I didn't wear anymore, I stumbled upon it. I held it close to me and breathed in and was alarmed to find that it still smelled like him. After all those years, it still smelled like him. I went on to find several pairs of his jeans (which I'd taken when he died) and one of his old work shirts. I broke down in tears and sat in my closet, unable to compose myself for several minutes. I went into the kitchen and asked Mom what she wanted me to do with it. She gave me instruction, and I moved the jacket from my closet to hers. I'm glad she isn't going to get rid of it.

I went to take a shower and I sat down, readying myself to shave my legs, when the tears came again. I let the hot water wash over me and just hugged myself, saying "I want my Daddy" over and over. And, like someone turned off a switch, I stopped.

It's like that sometimes. The pain is so intense that it's a shock, like I lost him all over again, and I have to sit and wallow in it. Then I can pick myself up and go on with my day/night and be fine. But I don't think since the moment I saw the life leave him has there been a day where I haven't cried at least once.

I know Daddy is better off where he is. I know he's in Heaven, he isn't in pain anymore. I know all that, and I appreciate it. And I've also heard it a thousand times. Most of the people who have said this to me haven't lost a parent. They don't get it, not really. Daddy wont see me graduate from college, publish my first book, or teach a class. He isn't going to be the person who walks me down the aisle and he wont ever get to play with grand babies. My children will never hear his contagious laughter or hold one of his big strong hands. He never got to give Zach permission to marry me, or take him fishing and threaten to drown him. There is so much that my Daddy got to do in his lifetime, but there is so much that he is going to miss. Not a lot comforts me when I think about that.

The day I found out my Daddy had cancer, my life completely shifted. Nothing was ever the same. The man who was larger than life was sick. We found out April of 09, and I'm not sure the doctors thought he would last the summer. But he fought. Oh man, did he fight to stay with me and Momma. And he lived for a whole year, finally passing July 2010. That year was truly a God thing, because our family grew closer than ever before, and we cherished each other more than ever as well. I was always close to my parents, being an only child and all, but in that last year it felt like it doubled, maybe even triplied. We just plain enjoyed one another, and my parents fell in love all over again. It breaks my heart that there time was cut short. It shouldn't have been that way...

That's how it hits you. The loss of someone you love. In a year I lost two people who I cared for dearly, one a friend and the other a father. And I was forever changed for it. You don't go through that amount of trauma so close together and come out smelling like roses. It does something to you, and it's a searing pain you never forget, kind of like touching a hot stove for the first time when you're a kid and your parents tell you not to. You do it once, and you remember how badly it hurt for the rest of your life. It's kind of like that, only worse.

I miss my Daddy. I miss his laughter, green eyes, and sense of humor. I miss his strong hands and beard. I miss the way he'd call me "Goober-goob" and "Poot-n-nannie" and whatever other name he pulled out of his hat. Oh, and I miss him wearing baseball caps. I miss playing catch with him. I miss listening to him play the guitar. I miss hearing the keys jingle as he walked down the hallway after he got home from work. I miss the way he smelled, always like a factory. I miss the way he smelled after he got out of the bath. I miss being little, Daddy putting on cologne, and then me guessing which he put on. I memorized the smells after a while. I miss taking the underwear out of the bathroom while he was showering and putting it in the freezer. Instead of going to get new underwear, he'd wrap a towel around his waist, go to the kitchen, take out the underwear, and go back to the bathroom. He'd come out of the bathroom shivering.

Roland Green was a great man, and people remember him. I'm really proud to be his daughter, and I wish I could have told him that one more time.

Alison



"From Where You Are"-Lifehouse

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us world's apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you

So far away from where you are
I'm standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me

Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me

Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us world's apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here