In about twenty minuets, I will have seen the 15th of November for the 24th time. I usually write about the ways my life has changed over the past year, how I feel about said changes, and maybe even throw in a few life lessons. But this year there is just too much to say.
I've noticed that as I get older, life changes all the quicker. It's a daily thing, an hourly thing, and I have given up on keeping up. Time has a way of going on whether or not you're ready and that's something I've had to come to terms with. It seems like I climb one mountain just to be met with another. They say God gives us trials to make us stronger. I guess He wants me to be a super hero.
One of my biggest changes of this year happened in the past two weeks, and I really don't want to talk about it. It isn't one of those changes I can just sit here and impart some random bit of wisdom from and move on. I have to explain why this change had to happen. It's an explanation I don't owe anyone, not really, but I'm going to give it anyway. No, I don't want to talk about it...but I need to. And more often than not, what we need and what we want are two separate deals.
Two years ago, I thought by the time I was 24 I'd be married to the person I wanted so badly to be the love of my life. I was so happy to be engaged to someone I thought was absolutely perfect for me. I thought everything was going to be so different and it killed me to watch it all fall apart so slowly that I saw it coming from a mile away. I fought it, I fought it so hard because I wanted it so bad. But what we need and what we want...well, you know the drill.
In the beginning, it was as easy as breathing. I was hurting so badly from the loss of my daddy and my relationship before him coming to an end. I felt like I was losing so much and when he came along, I gained an entire new life. It felt like everything was perfect for the first little while, or at least I wanted it so much that I ignored the warning signs. I went against my instincts, knowing that we were too young and it was all too fast. Too much. Too everything.
After a while we just stayed together because we felt like we'd be more miserable being apart. I can't speak for him, but it was slowly killing me inside. We weren't kind to each other, we both split the blame right down the middle. The day I'd finally had enough, the moment I handed him his ring back was one of the hardest things that I've ever had to do. But we deserved better.
Eat. Pray. Love. is one of my favorite books and one of my favorite movies. There is a point in the memoir/movie when Liz realizes that her relationship is over and it's all thanks to a visit to Rome. She went to the Augustiam. It's a scene that talks about ruin, brokenness, and it's a scene that I always relate to. I have always felt like something is broken inside me, something I've never been able to fix no matter how hard I've tried. I've always thought it was such a bad thing, but as I've gotten older I've come to think as Liz does, that ruin is a gift. It is the road to transformation. I am constantly changing and moving and growing and probably becoming a little more broken and a little closer to fixed with every day I draw breath.
"Both of us deserve better than to stay together because we're afraid we'll be destroyed if we don't."
People change, and sometimes we change apart instead of change together. I transformed in different ways than he did and we just couldn't be together anymore. We deserved better than the hurt we were feeling. As much as we split the blame, I don't even think it was either of our faults. Sometimes there is no one to blame, things just happen. It wasn't the we fell out of love. Our love didn't have the right kind of foundation to begin with. By the end we just stopped talking and stopped listening and stopped caring. And I just couldn't do it anymore.
I'm 24 years old now. Or at least I will be at 6:52 this evening. I'm old enough to know when to let go. It didn't kill me, it didn't break me. It was just another moment of change that I've had to live through. But I know in the very depths of my soul that we made the right choices for us.
I miss him. I will miss him for the rest of my life. And even if he decides that he cant be my friend, I will always be his. I will always want the very best for him. I hope someday he finds someone who will love him so much better than I ever could. I hope he finds someone who stirs his soul the way I feel like he deserves. It's then he'll realize she makes him feel like I never could.
My explanation was kind of drawn out, but it really is very simple: I believe in a love that most people believe only exist in novels or movies. I believe that someday I will find love, and it will be the kind of thing that people write about. I believe in it and I deserve it. And I wont settle for less than that. I wont settle for anything less than a love that can overcome even death. God has shown me how to believe in something like that, even if it is risky.
Not exactly the usual Happy Birthday blog, but eh, I'm in a melancholy mood.
Have a great day everyone, and do me a favor? Believe.
Alison
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