Lets Talk Harry Potter! --SPOILERS!

So I recognize that the blog about my absolute favorite book series in the world is quite over due, hence the name of my blog. I have indeed been called That Harry Potter girl more than once, and I'm totally okay with this. I could care less if people make fun of me for loving the series so much. I pity them, in fact, because they can't find the beauty that I can within the pages. It's---er---magic! 

FIRST THING FIRST! 

 It needs to be clear that I am a fan of the BOOKS! The only movies I slightly liked were the 6th, and Part 1 and 2. 

I've been reading the books since the first came out (1997) when I was 9 years old. In a way, I grew up right alongside Harry. He was 11 in the first book, and I was 9. When the 2nd book came out and he was 12, I was 10. 3rd, Harry 13, me 11. 4th, Harry 14 and me 12. 5th, Harry 15 and me 14. 6th, Harry and I were both 16. 7th, Harry was 17 and I was 18. What was the point of this little time line? To show I really did grow up with this series, of course! 

I like to think of this generation as being the Potter generation. I know I am not the only person who grew up right alongside these characters. Though I was a reader even before age 9, I think the series had a great impact on my imagination. These characters became my friends at times when real people kind of sucked. If it weren't for Harry Potter, I might not be an aspiring writer myself. If I could create a cast of characters as intricately as J.K. Rowling has, make them as lovable, hate-able, memorable, and magical as she has, I'll count myself as a success. 

One thing that makes me sad is when people write Harry Potter off as stupid or evil before they've even cracked a book. I also (in my opinion) think it is irresponsible to teach children to fear something that you yourself haven't taken the time to investigate. Honestly, Harry Potter is no more evil than the Chronicles of Narnia or Lord of the Rings, and I haven't heard nearly as much commotion over those two series' as I have HP. I don't know if it's because those are considered classics and HP is modern, but I doubt it. I think that it's because there was no question as to what religion C.S. Lewis and J.R.R Tolkein belonged to, and Rowling kept her personal life tight to her vest (though now she has made it public that she belongs to the Church of Scotland and attends church regularly). Anyway, do me a favor and before you completely cast ole' Harry and the gang off as evil, read the books, 1st through 7th. Don't start in the middle, say the 4th, where things start getting a bit more intense. That's like starting Lord of the Rings in the middle of the Two Towers, not having a clue why all these Orks are going crazy and trying to kill some short dude with hairy feet. SAME THING PEOPLE, SAME THING! You CANNOT judge a whole series by one scary moment in a book when you have no idea why it's there in the first place. 

Does Harry Potter get scary? Absolutely! Imagine yourself being captured by a bunch of evil scary people and watching the devil himself come up to you in a cemetery! That stuffs crazy, man! But, you know, if you bother to read the books, you will see a very clear line between "good" and "evil" in the books. Yes, every single character (including Albus Dumbledore and Harry Potter himself) have bad points and the capability of darkness, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news...but so do you. We are ALL capable of doing great evils. There is a smudge of darkness inside every good person, and the ray of light inside every dark person. It's just the way it is. As I am not a mind reader (Trelawney is in the loo, so I can't ask her) I do not know what religion you subscribe to, but I'm sure you're familiar with the concept of Yin and Yang? Whether or not you think it's rubbish (personally, I don't subscribe to that religion), but you have to admit it has a point. For every negative, there is positive. There is good, and evil. God, and the devil. In the case of Harry Potter, you have Harry and the ones who fight for the Light, and Voldemort and those who follow him into Darkness. 

Harry Potter is ultimately a story about Love, Friendship, Courage, and choosing to do what is right rather than what is easy. Around the time she started this series, Rowling's mother passed away, and it spurred her to write something about the love a mother has for her child. Rowling herself is a mother and knew quite a bit about that.

Anyway, I've heard a lot of arguments against Harry Potter, and as dorky as this sounds, I've made it a mission of my academic life to refute these things. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with all the research I've been doing. A paper? Who will I give it to? No idea. Dissertation? Maybe. Probably. Something about how religon impacts modern fantasy literature or vise versa etc., 

I have no idea. All I know is that I want to help ease the minds of parents who have a problem with the series and prove that, if you look and read the series as its really meant to be, it could even be considered the most epic Christian series since The Chronicles of Narnia. I wouldn't call it that, personally. I think that it has many biblical illusions and there is a lot of greatness to be brought out of the books, but honestly, I don't think Rowling wrote it to be an out right Christian series. I think she wrote one heck of a series and gave light to those of us who were fighting our own personal darkness. I've read the series several times over and I gleam new things every time I read it. I continue to find solace in the pages.

Secondly, my love for Severus Snape

 (I have to write in green to show my Slytherin pride)

Now, anyone who has known me for any length of time knows that Severus Snape is not only my favorite character in the Harry Potter world, but my favorite character in literature period. He is probably one of the most complex characters ever created, and I absolutely dig his snarky attitude! 

I had a lot of emotions wrapped up in the fate of Severus Snape. I was a freshman in college when the 7th book came out and all the questions people had about Severus were answered. Personally, I never doubted his loyalty. Not to brag, but my friend Josh and I predicted a lot of what came to be in the 7th book, right down to who the infamous R.A.B. was and which Weasley would leave us for good. I always knew Severus was Dumbledore's man and would be to the very end. I also, sadly, predicted his ultimate demise. I feel no shame in telling you, dear reader, that I sobbed quite heavily when I read of the death of our dearly beloved and misunderstood Potions Master. When I watched it on the screen, I sobbed again. Though I'm not a huge fan of the movies (which I'll address in a few paragraphs) it hit me hard to see it on the screen. 

But I digress. When I was in high school, I had a few super awful relationships. Well, okay, the relationships themselves weren't awful, but the endings SUCKED! I was cheated on, lied to, and used by at least one of them. The other one, I didn't figure out till later that he hadn't exactly been honest with me either. These were two guys I really thought were genuine. Only one had I fallen in love with, really thought could be the one, and that crushed me. I'd known him for a really long time, he was my best friend, and my first love. I felt betrayed and really screwed up in the head because I just didn't understand. So, when the 7th book came out, I was like "Okay, he HAS to be a good guy, because if he isn't, every man I've ever had faith in will officially have let me down!" besides my Daddy. Daddy never ever, not once, let me down. He was awesome.

Severus Snape did not let me down. He fell in love once in his life and let it transform him. This transformation is evident in not only his extremely selfless and brave actions, but his Patronus is changed. A Patronus is kind of like someones spirit animal, in a way. And it can be change when someone is going through an emotional upheaval. Tonks shows this to us for the first time when she falls in love with Remus Lupin and hers changes to a wolf. Well, Severus is and always has been in love with the late Lily Evans Potter, who's Patronus was supposedly a doe (her husband James was an Animagus and turned into a stag when transforming). In my opinion, Severus is the real hero of the series because, without him right from the beginning, Harry would had failed. Harry recognizes this, naming one of his sons Albus Severus, and telling him that Severus was probably the braves man he'd ever known. Too right, Harry! 

Alright, now down to business. Why do I have a problem with the movies? Sit back and relax folks, this may take a while. 

Firstly, they left out too much. I understand that the books are huge, complex, and quite intricate, but for Pete's sake, they left out whole characters who were absolutely necessary to create the full picture! Anyone remember Ludo Bagman from Goblet of Fire? Yeah, probably not. But he was there! As was Winky the house-elf, and freaking CHARLIE WEASLEY! How could they leave out a Weasley!!!!!!!!!! And we don't see Bill till part 1 which is ridiculous! We meet the elder Weasley brothers in the beginning of Goblet of Fire!!! And Bill's injury due to Fenrir Greyback is sorely understated. His face is JACKED UP and they gave him an almost pretty scar on his face. Ridiculous, I tell you! Also, Remus Lupin and Tonks are extremely important characters whose importance was very much down played. I was extremely disappointed when they left out a lot of their story line from the 5th movie on. Anyone remember in the 7th book when Remus totally blew Harry into a wall after Harry gave him what for about not being happy about Tonks being pregnant? No? Well, it happened, and they left it out! It was an incredible scene in the book and it was what knocked sense into Remus' head! I mean, it was necessary. As was Mundugus Fletcher, who we meet in the 5th book. Not introduced till the 7th. Majorly underplayed character as well. Also, Harry's hair is always shaggy and unkempt. It's a point Rowling makes over and over to tye him with his father James.  5th movie, they cut his bloody hair! His hair is short! Never short in the books guys! And by the by, Hermione's dress is periwinkle blue in Goblet of Fire, not bloody pink.  Also, Harry shares his emerald eyes with his mother Lily. I understand the actor was allergic or whatnot to the contacts they tried to have him wear, but there is something called video editing. Coulda edited that stuff. Also, Lily's younger self in the movies has brown eyes. WRONG! I could go on and on with the disappointments but not lets get on to my second complaint.

Casting! They screwed up majorly on some characters, and were absolutely spot on with others! Lets start with the positive. 

Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley

The golden trio was perfectly chosen. These three actors/actress embody their characters nearly perfectly. Daniel Radcliffe has done an amazing job carrying the burden of being Harry Potter. Radcliffe is a perfect fit for Potter physically as well as in personality. I wish they had of edited his eyes to be green, but oh well I reckon. Rupert Grint is a proud little ginger who grows into his character perfectly. He's so adorable when he's little, and plays the awkward teenager amazingly as well. I was very happy with their selection for Ron. Hermione as well. Emma Watson gives off this air of intelligent superiority, as does Hermione, and the hair is adorable! I understand they were unable to give her large teeth, I could live with that oddity, because Watson is so stinkin' perfect as Hermione in every other way. 

Other characters they got right? Luna Lovegood. Evanna Lynch IS Luna Lovegood. As was the man who played her father, they were both spot on. Neville Longbottom was also portrayed perfectly by Matthew Lewis. Neville is one of those underdog characters that you absolutely love to watch grow and prove himself properly chosen to be a Gryffindor. Honestly, the casting isn't that bad. Okay okay, they did great on the castings. I just wish they hadn't screwed up the ones they did. 

Here are the people I felt like they got wrong: Every single Marauder, including James Potter. 

The people making the movies made them all to be much older than they are in the books. James and Lily Potter always appear to be middle-aged. They were 21 when they died. The Marauder's were all about 38 when the series ends. I like all the actors who play them, but they are just simply too old. Where Severus is concerned, Alan Rickman was PERFECT if Severus were an older man , but he's not. He's the same age as the lot. I honestly don't think they could have found a better Snape, but facts are facts and Rickman is 60. I have no suggestion for who could have done it better, because in my opinion, no one could. I also don't know anyone who could have been Lily or James, as neither of them interested me much during the series. 

Remus Lupin would  be better played by Ewan McGregor. 

Or  Dominic West. Both men appear to be younger (and more handsome) in my opinion and I just like their acting. 

Sirius Black should have been played by my personal favorite actor, Hugh Jackman! Not only is he absolutely gorgeous (Sirius is described as handsome) he's an amazing actor and I think would do Sirius' character justice. Gary Oldman (or however you spell his name) is a great actor, as is the man who plays Lupin, but they simply do not fit, characterization wise. 

Wormtail I suppose is okay since he definitely looks like a rat. 

Alright, I'm done with the writing of this blog. I mean, it's incredibly long. Maybe I'll come back to the subject later, but for now, this is my two cents about the wonderful world of Harry Potter! 

Have a magical night all! 

Alison

P.S. This video is amazing. Please enjoy :D 

"Wizard Love" -Meekakitty ft. Heyhihello

(I never thought you'd be in my life)

Who would have known that I could like a boy like you
Tall dark and Slytherin, what's a girl to do?
You used your Nimbus to sweep me off my feet.
But now without you by my side I feel incomplete.

Slytherin and Gryffindor, parted by the sorting hat
From rival houses boy but we don't have to be like that
Cause you've confundesed me, and now I'm feeling well
Like this is magical, I'm under your spell.

I never thought you'd be in my life
Two different worlds that we let collide
and it will never be the way it was before
Cause baby I'm a Slytherin and girl you are a Gryffindor

Yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah
Cause baby I'm a Slytherin and girl you are a Gryffindor

Walking down a corridor with tricks right up my sleeve
bump into this girl that's on my floor, she just wants to see
what would it be like to hold hands with someone dark
who would have you don't need a wand to start a spark

I'll slyther up to you, you can be my lion cub
Let's share a butter beer down at Rosemerta's pub
I'll chase right after you, you are my golden snitch
I'll be your Wizard love, you are are my only witch

I never thought you'd be in my life
Two different worlds that we let collide
and it will never be the way it was before
Cause baby I'm a Slytherin and girl you are a Gryffindor

Yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah
Cause baby I'm a Slytherin and girl you are a Gryffindor

Oh girl, this isn't like me.
Two hearts quickly beating.
Ooooh, it's taking hald.
Now our world is shining read and gold.

I never thought you'd be in my life
Two different worlds that we let collide
and it will never be the way it was before
Cause baby I'm a Slytherin and girl you are a Gryffindor

I never thought you'd be in my life
Two different worlds that we let collide
and it will never be the way it was before
Cause baby I'm a Slytherin and girl you are a Gryffindor

Yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah
Cause baby I'm a Slytherin and girl you are a Gryffindor

I Have A Secret!



I used to have this philosophy:

no secrets.



Now, not so much. I've noticed that, in the recent year or two, I've become an extremely hard person to get to know. When I was in junior college, I had a pretty wide circle of friends, and I was hardly shy. I'd talk to anyone. But then I guess my no secrets rule came back to haunt me. I figured that if I didn't have any secrets, there was nothing for anyone to hold over my head. But it seems that everyone has things they aren't too proud of, and sometimes you can't even trust the people you're closest to not to hold your past over your head or threaten to try to get you kicked out of school.

When I started at SAGU, I was super quiet, which was very unlike me. I didn't really understand why I was acting that way. It took me a long time to make any friends, and they took even longer to really let them in. I just didn't know who I could and couldn't trust. My old "friends" had screwed me up so badly, hosed me when I needed them the most, that they'd soured me on making friends in a new place. Even now that I have a nice circle of girls (and guy) that I hang with, only about three of them can claim that they actually know anything about my life. Sure, they all know my Dad died of cancer last summer. Yeah, most know that nearly two years ago one of my best friends was killed. But do they know that after Shelley was killed that I woke up with nightmares, covered in sweat? Or that a day hasn't gone by since Dad's been gone that I haven't cried? No, not many of them. To be honest...I'm not sure one of them even knows my favorite color.

This isn't a blog about how I have no friends. Hardly. I have friends, and good ones at that. Just because they don't know my favorite color (Cerulean) doesn't mean they aren't important to me. Doesn't mean they don't play a huge role in my life. Some of them might even be there for me if I needed them. The fact that people don't know much about me isn't their fault. I just play close to the vest these days.

But I recently read a book called By The Time You Read This I'll Be Dead by Julie Anne Peters,  about this girl who was bullied so badly all her life, that she made this huge plan to commit suicide. She finds this website and starts what she calls "purging" telling her story, and it made her feel better. In fact, it may have even saved her life, depending on how you read the ending. And no, I'm not suicidal or anything, but the book made me wanna share my bullying experiences on the off chance that maybe someone will stumble upon this random blog and maybe feel better knowing they aren't the only ones, you know?

So, I decided to write a blog telling you all something about myself, something that I don't talk about often. I'm gonna give this whole opening up thing a try. Again. Don't hose me guys.

Trichotillomania:

The compulsion to tear or pluck ones own hair from head and or face.

Yep, it's exactly what you think. Trich is a mental disorder associated with all the other fun "mania's" except mine, in my opinion, sucks way more. I've had it since I was 6 and I'm happy to say, it used to be way worse. When I was in the 7th grade, I pretty much had no eyelashes or eyebrows. I got picked on so much and got called ugly constantly. It sucked, to put it mildly.

Trichotillomania (or Trich, for short) is basically my brains way of dealing with stress and trauma. It's a neuro-biological disease/disorder, and is different for everyone. My experience with it is unique, because that's kinda just how it works. Everyone is different. It's more than  nervous habit. Sometimes it's a coping mechanism for stress and anxiety. We're not trying to damage ourselves, we don't do it on purpose, and some people don't even know when they are doing it. We do it because, most of the time, we can't not do it.

Mine has a lot to do with stress. My body dislikes stress. If I'm going through a "not picking" stage, then my body will do something else to cope with the stress, usually making itself sick. When I was around 12 or13 I had it really bad, and I went through hell for it. I was still very much a tom-boy and hadn't discovered the wonders of cosmetics yet, so barely having any eyelashes or eyebrows made me a target for a lot of people, even adults. People randomly asked me if I'd burned my eyebrows off, saying they looked singed. Complete strangers. Even my dentist said that to me once. And since we all know how cruel kids can be, school was no picnic. I was teased, made fun of, called ugly, crazy, all sorts of stuff. I hadn't been diagnosed yet, so I had no idea why I did it, and I wasn't about to explain myself, so I just stayed quiet. I was 14 when I was diagnosed, and it was nice to have my questions answered. Why couldn't I just stop? Because 1. I don't always know when I'm doing it. 2. A chemical imbalance isn't just something you can decide to get rid of one day.

This teasing, this name calling, had a profound effect on my life. Even after I stopped pulling so much and knew how to cover up my problem spots with makeup, I never felt very pretty. I didn't have a lot of confidence, so I took refuge in school work, reading, and eventually in writing. But I still felt ugly and not worth anything. For some reason, kids in high school seem to think that their beauty is measured on their outside appearance, and that's what we tend to measure our worth by. When I was 16, I fell in love for the first time, and that was the first time someone made me feel beautiful. I'll always be thankful to you for that, by the way :). But it wasn't till I was in my twenties that I started to realize that my beauty isn't measured in eyelashes and eyebrows.

I think it's fun to see people that I used to go to school with and see the shock on their faces at how I've changed. I'm not sure if my face is anymore prettier than it used to be, but my attitude sure is. People still notice that my eyelashes aren't as long as they should be, but instead of averting my eyes and walking with my head down, I just smile. Trich doesn't rule my life anymore. It's a part of my life and my circumstance, but it isn't who I am. I'm not ruled by my disease. I may not be it's master, but it's not my master either.

God wired my brain the way it is for a reason. Without the Trich, I may have ended up being a completely different person, and long eyelashes aren't worth that to me. I'm glad I grew up with it. It taught me how to be humble and be aware that we're all built differently. I was never one of those kids to pick on the different kids because I was one of the different kids. I'm extremely mentally strong, and I think I have my disease to thank for that. I can take a lot of punishment.

Don't make fun of the kid who smells in the back of the classroom. Chances are he doesn't live in a house with running water. Don't pick on the kid that's overweight and gets picked last for anything. Maybe he's got a thyroid disorder. Don't put the small skinny kid in a dumpster. Don't make fun of the person with rainbow hair, it's how they express themselves. Don't call the gay kid a faggot, dike, queer, or various other names. He/she is more comfortable with who they are than you ever will be.

Don't make fun of the art girl. She might draw art with blood on it, and if you dared to pay attention to her, you'd see the beauty. She wasn't quiet, she just had nothing to say to you. No, she wasn't a lesbian, she just didn't think any of you guys were worth her time and effort. She was right. And yes, a-hole, she owned a hair brush! You try having curly hair that doesn't like to cooperate in the morning. Are you the prick who drove by her and splashed her when she had to walk home one day in the rain? Were you the jerk who drove by and laughed when she ran her car off the drive way?

No, I wasn't.

She was my best friend.

She was a brilliant artist.

She was kind,

Hysterical,

Talented,

Beautiful,

And she was a better person than any of us will ever be.

Her name was Shelley.

I bet in high school, you never so much as said hi.

And I bet you cried at her funeral.

Bullies are weak, stupid, and often afraid. They bully people to make themselves feel better. The people that called her lesbians were probably sexually confused themselves. The girls who made fun of her curls would probably slave away with a curling iron and use a ton of hairspray trying to hold curls like she had naturally. They made fun of her art because they were too ignorant to understand it and they wished they could draw that good. Bullies are so afraid of being bullied that they pick on people who they think are weaker than them. Bullies don't like to be bullied.

Shelley didn't give a crap what people thought of her and she held her head up high, whether you noticed her raised head or not. She didn't need acknowledgment. She only ever wanted to be left in peace. But so many people wouldn't give her that peace.

The difference between Shelley and I was that I wanted to belong so badly, and I hated that I never could. I tried making fun of other kids along with my "friends", but at the end of the day, I saw myself in their eyes, and tried to take up their fight. It lost me almost all my friends (Shelley and Grady aside) but at least I could look myself in the face when I looked in the mirror.

The beginning of my junior year, I was in P.E with some of my other girlfriends. We were in class with this kid who didn't smell like roses and would randomly start running around the gym, or would just walk around running his hands on all of the railings. He wasn't exactly sharp, and he wasn't nice either. Naturally, he got a ton of crap. One of my friends hocked a loogie on the railing and got a kick out of it when he ran his hand over it and looked super confused.  Hilarious, right?

One day I was sitting reading a book in the bleachers while my friends were walking because I wasn't feeling well. I was reading Jesus Freaks, and this weird smelly kid decided to come and sit in front of me and start talking to me. Granted, I hadn't really been one of the people giving him crap, I just ignored the situation, so I didn't know why this kid was glaring at me from his seat. I sat down my book and was like, "Can I help you?" Said kid looks at me and informs me that Jesus isn't real. I asked him why he thought so, and he said because so much bad stuff happens in the world. I told him that if bad stuff didn't happen, good stuff couldn't either. He said something I thought was really out of line, so I asked him with his beef was with me. He told me he didn't think the snot thing was funny. I told him I didn't do it. He looked me square in the face and said, "Yeah, but I didn't see you breaking your neck to stop them either."

Talk about a huge slap in the face. Of course, being a stupid 16 year old kid, I was like, dude, I don't even know you. So he decided I should know him. He told me he was in foster care with his little brother and his foster parents didn't have running water, that's why he smelled funny. He said he'd had a girlfriend where he was before, but he was being abused by those foster rents so he was moved. These abused him too. I can't even remember his name now.

I never told any of my friends that I'd had this talk with him. They don't know to this day, I don't guess. I asked them to stop making fun of him, but that didn't go over too well. So, I left Italy High School, went to Navarro, and got an entirely new life. I gained confidence, learned about life, and learned how to walk with my head high...just like Shelley had all those years before me. 

My beauty is not measured by your standards. I am not crazy, stupid, worthless, or ugly. I am of God's design. I'm extremely intelligent, funny, and beautiful. I'm strong despite how weak you tried to make me look. High school wasn't my glory days. I rose above everything I went through...

So can you, reader. Through my experiences, and Shelley's, I hope you learned something. If you were the kid that got picked on, be proud of it. You're different, which makes you scary. You're a threat to those who tow the line and try to be just like everyone else. Use it to your advantage. You are everything they don't have the guts to be. Walk down the hallway with your head up, and think about Shelley. Be strong like Shelley. Die well, like Shelley. Just don't die before your time, or because anyone made you measure your worth by false ideas and standards. Suicide is letting the bully win. Be the person you were meant to be. That'll piss them off more than anything!

And if you're the bully, remember this: Someday, you may be sitting at the funereal of one of your fellow classmates who was taken before her time. You will have to sit there, watch her family grieve, and see the looks her friends give you. I was so angry at Shelley's funeral because the people that were crying the hardest were the people who treated her the worst. But now I just feel sorry for them. I am glad I wont find myself in that kind of position.

Think before you speak. Your actions impact other peoples lives. I was so messed up as a kid because no one cared to figure out what I am all about. But now I know it matters more that I know what I'm all about. I'm glad I finally do.

On my wedding day, I'll march down that aisle toward a man who doesn't give a crap if I have eyelashes or not. I will not wear fake ones just to look better in pictures. I will marry my future husband exactly as I am, because that's how God made me. Who knows, maybe I'll have a full set of eyelashes or my very own by then, but maybe I wont. That's okay, I'm hot stuff anyway!  :) And I know what I look like in a pair of shorts. Dad's long legs were a nice hand-me-down genetically speaking. Bet you wish you'd asked me out when you had the chance. But you were too busy calling me ugly. Guess I get to laugh all the way to the alter into the arms of someone who not only adores me now, but adored me then. Followed me around and had a huge crush on me. Liked me even when I was at my most unattractive because he liked what I was about. He still does :) And he put a ring on it!

Well, there it is. Me trying to not play close to the vest. Speaking my mind and opening up about myself. Feels kind of good. :)

This world is hard enough to live in without us making it harder on each other. Do you realize what we could do if we all just banned together and refused to let hate drag us down? If we were all a little bit more like Shelley, this world would be so much better.

Signing off with all my love!

Ali

                                                                                                                                                    

"World So Cold"-12 Stones
It starts with pain
Followed by hate
Fueled by the endless questions
No one can answer
A stain
Covers your heart
Tears you apart just like a sleeping cancer

Now I don't believe men are born to be killers
I don't believe this world can't be saved
How did you get here and when did it start
An innocent child with a thorn in his heart

What kind of world do we live in
Where love is divided by hate
Losing control of our feelings
We all must be dreaming this life away
In a world so cold

Are you sane? Where's the shame?
A moment of time passes by
You cannot rewind
Who's to blame and where did it start
Is there a cure for your sickness, have you no heart?

Now I don't believe men are born killers
I don't believe this world can't be saved
How did you get here and when did it start
An innocent child with a thorn in his heart

What kind of world do we live in
Where love is divided by hate?
Losing control of our feeling
We're dreaming this life away

What kind of world do we live in
Where love is divided by hate?
Selling our souls for no reason
We all must be dreaming this life away
In a world so cold

There's a sickness inside you that wants to escape
It's a feeling you get when you can't find your way
So how many times must you fall to your knees
Never, never, never, never, never do this again

It starts with pain followed by hate
Now I don't believe men are born to be killers
And I don't believe this world can't be saved

What kind of world do we live in
Where love is divided by hate
Losing control of our feelings
We're dreaming this life away

What kind of world do we live in
Where love is divided by hate?
Selling our souls for no reason
We all must be dreaming this life away
In a world so cold

In a world so cold

Reflections

Lately I've been asking my friends what they think of soul-mates. Do they believe in them? Why or why not? The majority have said no, they don't think that there is any such thing has a "soul-mate" because there are too many people out in the world worth getting to know. Some people you connect with and they connect with you, and some don't. My views tend to land right in the middle, believing in soul-mates, but not in just one.

In 22 years, I've met a lot of people. I've fallen in and out of love a few times, one time that I didn't realize until it was already too late. I've made a lot of friends and acquaintances, and lost just as many. But with each meeting, and each ending, I have felt a piece of the puzzle that is me slide into place. There have been some people that I've met that have had no affect on me what-so-ever, and some who have been extremely negative. But there has been a few very special people who changed me, taught me, and made me feel a little bit more put together.

I don't think God puts us on the earth whole. I think that when we're born, little pieces of ourselves are scattered out into the world and throughout our lives, God leads us on a journey to find these pieces so that when we die, we can be a completed person. I've had moments when I've met someone, and I felt like I had to know them from somewhere, yet I knew I had never seen them before in my life. As I grew closer to these people and learned about them, it became clear that I had met them for a specific reason. Even if we weren't completely the same, part of them was a reflection of me and that's what I'd felt upon meeting. I had recognized a part of myself within that person and had been meant to find them. Part of myself had been hidden in them, and I'd like to think that they felt the same way about me. They had been a soul-mate.

 But just because someone is your soul-mate doesn't mean you're going to spend the rest of your life with them. I've felt that connection with many people, male and female alike, and I have watched many of those people walk away from me, or be taken. It reminds me of Dawson's Creek series finale, when Joey and Dawson agree that they are soul-mates, but Joey ends up with Pacey.Just because you're soul-mates doesn't mean you're going to end up with that person forever.

Sometimes it's a painful puzzle piece to find. I've had my heart good and broken twice in my life, and each time was excruciating because I had been positive that, because of this recognition of self, they were "the one" and yet it all fell apart. But over time I realized that I didn't feel as incomplete after them as I had before them. Just because that person doesn't stay in your life doesn't mean you lose that piece you found inside of them. People leave footprints on our hearts, minds, bodies, and souls, and sometimes those footprints are scars that never really fade. I've been hurt in horrible ways, but I also know I have hurt someone else just as badly. It takes time to move past the pain and see that yes, I was changed, but I was changed for the better. I found out a little more about myself, about people, and about love.

I'm not sure if God really puts one certain person in our lives that we're supposed to end up with, or if He puts several people out there and it's out job to find them and choose which one to be with. Last summer I made a choice between two people I knew I could have a future with, and that was the hardest part. I felt like I was looking at two different roads leading to two different lives and I was always afraid of making the wrong choice. I am happy with the decisions I made and couldn't ask for more than Zach, but I'm still not entirely sure that there ever was a right choice or a wrong choice. Maybe the pendulum could have swung either way, and whoever I chose determined how my life went. If there is a right or wrong choice, I feel like I made the right one and I wouldn't take it back if my life depended on it, but who knows?

I'm very thankful for the people that have helped me find myself upon my journey. Even though I've been hurt, I know that I've given as good as I've gotten, and I'm sorry about that. I am glad for the people who broke my heart and found happiness. I have too. And that little piece of myself that they gave back to me will always be special because it came from them. I think that people can fall out of love just like they can fall into it, or sometimes time just helps it fade a little, but what that person was to you never fully goes away. That piece of you is always going to stay with you once you've retrieved it, and it is going to connect you forever with that other person. It took me a long time and a lot of pain to see this, but I do now. And I'm grateful. I'm grateful for every tear and scar people have left me with. I'm so lucky and blessed to have loved and been loved by the people that I have met, and I'm okay with the fact that it didn't last. My pain was worth going through as long as they find someone to be happy with. As long as they find their pieces. It makes me feel good to think that maybe, just maybe, a piece of themselves came from me.

Alison

 

 

Good To You- Marianas Trench featuring Jessica Lee

Everyone's around, no words are coming out
And I can't find my breath, can we just say the rest with no sound?
And I know this isn't enough, I still don't measure up
I'm not prepared; sorry is never there when you need it

And I do want you to know
I'll hold you up above everyone
And I do want you to know
I think you'd be good to me
And I'd be so good to you
I would

I thought I saw a sign somewhere between the lines
But maybe it's me, maybe I only see what I want
and I still have your letter, just got caught between
Someone I just invented, who I really am and who I've become

And I do want you to know
I'll hold you up above everyone
And I do want you to know
I think you'd be good to me
And I'd be so good to you

Whoaaaaa-ohhhhh-ohhhhhh, Whoaaaaa-ohhhhh-ohhhhh,
Whoaaaaa-ohhhhh-ohhhhhh-ohhh-ohhh-ohhhh,
Whoaaaaa-ohhhhh-ohhhhhh, Whoaaaaa-ohhhhh-ohhhhh,
Whoaaaaa-ohhhhh-ohhhhhh-ohhh-ohhh-ohhhh,
I would

And I do want you to know
I'll hold you up above everyone
And I do want you to know
I think you'd be good to me
And I'd be so good to you

I'd be good to you, I'd be good to you,
I'd be good to you, I'd be so good to you
I'd be good to you, I'd be good to you
I'd be good to you, I'd be so good to you

It wasn't over. It's still not over.

All day, every day, I tell stories. I guess that's why I'm a writer, because I have something I need to say and my soul can't be quiet until the words find themselves bubbling out. And lately, I've had something to say, and even as I write this, I'm not sure I can say it.

A problem arises when one is a story teller. Sometimes we need to tell a story that isn't only ours to tell. How do you know when you're about to cross a line that cannot be uncrossed again? Tell secrets that aren't only yours to tell? When you share your life with people, you share your dreams, passions, fears, and disappointments. You share a story.

Lately, I've been taking a walk down memory lane. I went through my facebook, looked at my posts that went back three years nearly. Why did I do this? Because I wanted to remember.

Maybe it's because June is here, and June holds so many bitter sweet memories for me. Maybe it's just a need to repent. I did a lot of things wrong last summer that I can't take back. Maybe it's missing the people who used to be around, who can't be around anymore simply because of death and circumstance. Maybe it's just be reflecting on the choices I've made.

The weird thing about lief is that sometimes you have to delve into the past in order to move on with your future. You have to find out what can be forgiven, and the things that you'll never be able to forget.

You can throw away the birthday cards. You can burn the photographs. You can give them back a box of their stuff. But what you can't do is make the memories fade. Memories have a way of burning their way into your senses. I see a car, I smell a flower, I watch a movie, and I go back to a place that maybe I don't like revisiting.

There are lots of things I wish I could say that I can't because this isn't only my story to tell. My trip down memory lane was painful, and I found so many places where we all went wrong, but I wouldn't change any of it. Not one moment. If I could go back, I'd simply enjoy it a little more. I wouldn't take any of it back because, in the end, it was worth all the pain and the tears and the moments when I was left behind.

Time doesn't stop and ask our permission to keep moving. Every day ticks by and before you know it, a year has gone by between where you are and where you've come from.

 The memories wont let me simply move forward with life and forget it never happened. Even if I could, I wouldn't, because what I found then was as real as what I have now. I made choices that affected my life and other peoples lives irrevocably. Sometimes, you make choices that you know you can't back down from. You make commitments to people that break other peoples hearts and you have to let that go. But I'll never not be sorry for hurting the most important people in my life with those choices.

I wasn't happy, so I made a choice to do whatever I had to do to be happy, and that ended up hurting someone else that I never thought I'd ever hurt. For that, I'm truly sorry.

I'm happy where I am now. I have a good life. I miss my Dad and Sweetheart and Shelley and everyone else I've lost, but I still have a good life. I have lost a lot of friends, but the ones who stayed by my side are amazing, and the new ones I've made are just as inspirational. I have a Mom who adores me, a family who supports me, and a cat that loves me too. And I'm getting married to a man who thinks I hung the moon and stars, even though between the two of us, he's the wonderful one.

For what it's worth, I never meant to hurt anyone. I never meant a lot of things to happen. Sometimes fate just literally knocks on the door and you have to make a choice. I knew I was making the choice between two futures and I don't regret my decisions. I just regret the way I did it.

It wasn't over, and it's still not over. It's never going to be over because I'm still always going to look back and remember those times with my friends and loved ones. Just because time moves us into another stage of life doesn't mean we're ever supposed to to forget the people we had to let go. Certain parts of life can't begin until another part fades into the background, but that doesn't make it over. And it doesn't mean we can't miss the places that we came from.

I know this wont make sense to most people, but I know it will make sense to a few and those are the few that matter. Someday, maybe, I'll tell more of the full story, but for now, I think it's better that those stories remain ours.

See you soon then,
Ali

"Like We Used To"-A Rocket To The Moon

I can feel her breath as she's sleeping next to me
Sharing pillows and cold feet
She can feel my heart; fell asleep to it's beat
Under blankets and warm sheets

If only I could be in that bed again, if only it were me instead of him

Does he watch your favorite movies, does he hold you when you cry?
Does he let you tell him all your favorite parts,
When you've seen it a million times?
Does he sing to all your music, while you dance to purple rain?
Does he do all these things, like I used to?

Fourteen months and seven days ago,
Oh I know you know how we felt about that night
Just your skin against the window, but we took it slow and we both know
It should've been me inside that car

It should have been me instead of him in the dark

Does he watch your favorite movies, does he hold you when you cry?
Does he let you tell him all your favorite parts,
When you've seen it a million times?
Does he sing to all your music, while you dance to purple rain?
Does he do all these things, like I used to?

I know, love (I'm a sucker for that feeling)
Happens all the time, love (I always end up feeling cheated)
You're on my mind, love (oh darling, I know I'm not needed)
And that happens all the time, love

Will he love you like I loved you, will he tell you everyday?
Will he make you feel like your invincible with every word he'll say?
Can you promise me if this was right, don't throw it all away
Can you do all these things, will you do all these things?

Like we used to
Oh, like we used to

Blood is Thicker Than Water

On Mother's Day of this year, my family lost someone very special to us. After a long battle with cancer, my great Aunt Sweetheart went to be with the Lord. When I was sitting in the pew during the funeral, I thought about how I wished I could have spent more time with her, gotten to know her better. It made me think about how many stories we don't get to hear about our families. At the funeral, my Aunt Jo told a story about her dad, my grandfather, that I'd never heard before. My grandfather sounded like he and my Daddy had a lot in common. It made me want to hear and tell as many stories as I could. So I'm going to tell you a story about the greatest gift my Sweetheart ever gave me.

During the summer before my 3rd grade year, Sweetheart came over to my house with a surprise. Dad had told her that I'd be starting Italy Elementary the start of the new year, and he was worried about me going to a new school and not knowing anyone. I'd lived in Italy my whole life, but had gone to school in Waxahachie since I was in pre-k. So Sweetheart brought over her great granddaughter, who was also my cousin, Emily. Emily's grandmother, Donna, was my Dad's first cousin. Sweetheart was my grandfathers sister. You following me here? I know, it's complicated, but none of that really matters. The fact of the matter is, we're like a millionth cousins so we'd never met one another until that day.

Emily and I kinda just sat and stared at each other for a little while, if I remember correctly. I've never really been shy, but Emily has since the first day I met her. So I finally said, "Lets go outside and play," and off we went. Emily didn't have the same kind of imagination that I had, so while I was making weird crazy soups out of pecans, mulberries, wild onions, and figs, Emily just hoped I wasn't going to poison her. Needless to say, the little chicken didn't eat anything. But we played and played and played until Sweetheart came back and took Emily home. Not long after that, I met Emily's older sister Ashley and her younger sister Kaylee. Over the years, we played together and tolerated each other, but Emily and I didn't really like each other very much. I mostly played with Ashley because she'd get in the dirt with me! Then, we all just grew up and the days for playing were over.

Our first few years in high school, Emily and I ran in different circles. We talked and were nice, not hating each other but not exactly friends either. But then, one day at school Emily and her boyfriend at the time got into a huge fight, and I found her in the bathroom crying. I sat with her, refusing to leave her alone. As much as we weren't friends, I still felt like I should stay. Blood being thicker than water, and all that. After that day, we were a little nicer to each other, and even exchanged cell phone numbers. It was a start.

Then, January of our sophomore year in high school, our class went on a field trip to Dallas and, for some reason, I found myself hanging out with Emily and Rachael all day long. From that day forward, you couldn't find one of us without the other two. We were joined at the hip. That year, we went through a lot together. I had my first major heart break that summer, and Emily showed up at my house in her pjs with some ice cream and donuts, and we laid there and watched movies and I cried off and on, covered in powdered sugar. That, I think, was the day Emily became my best friend. When Emily and Rachael decided to do homeschooling and go to college early, it was only natural that I make the decision and go with them. We all graduated together a year early.

A lot has happened in the past six years, too much for me to write, but since then we three have done almost everything else possible together, especially me and Emily. Rachael is still our friend, but she moved off and we don't get to see her much anymore, but Emily and me are still joined at the hip. It seems we still have to do everything together, since our weddings are, like, three weeks apart. But you wanna know something about my best friend that makes me know 100% that she'll always be my best friend, even when we're 80 and stealing all the old peoples pudding cups from the nursing home (cause we don't like jello)?

Last summer, my Dad died. He was put on hospice and we knew it was only a matter of days. Emily took off work, and for about four nights in a row, she stayed with me. She's an LVN, so she helped take care of Dad in his last days. She didn't leave my side, and more importantly, she didn't leave his side, even when things got really bad. Emily, of all people, knew how close my Dad and I were, and how much it was killing me inside. I guess Dad knew I needed her too, because he chose to go be with the Lord while me, Emily, and Rachael were all in the room with him. I watched him take his last breath, and Emily heard his heart stop beating. Emily thinks Dad was probably pissed off at her for all of us being in the room. We were all about to go to bed but they wanted to check his vitals one last time before going to sleep, and that's when he died. But I think Dad knew something we didn't. Like, if it had of just been him and Mom in the room, she wouldn't have handled it. And if I had of been by myself...I don't even want to think about it. I think he knew I needed her, so he waited on both of us.

I know there are a lot of people that don't like me and some people that don't like Emily, and I could care less about the not liking me part. But people misunderstand Emily a lot of the times. She's not stuck up, she's just horridly shy. She doesn't think she's better than you, she just doesn't like to talk unless she knows the people really well. It's not that she's not sorry when she hurts your feelings, she just doesn't always know how to say she's sorry, because she's one of those types of people who understand that sometimes "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it, so she'd rather show you.

Anyone who would give her half a chance would see the beautiful, amazing, funny, caring, sweet person that I see when I look at her. Maybe this says something about my inability to make actual friends, but I think I'm just blessed that the fact that my two best friends, Emily and Bonnie, are my cousins. Blood really is thicker than water. When your back is against the wall, or you've done something totally stupid, the only people on this earth that you can rest assured that they still still love you at the end of the day is your family. Emily and I fight like we hate each other half the time. In fact, our Chemistry teacher in high school tried to separate us one day because she thought we hated each other. We laughed at her, told her we were best friends, and just kept arguing. She just shrugged. It's what we do. She calls me a hoe bag and I call her something else rude, and we go on. We LOVE each other :D

Maybe I don't know everything there was to know about Sweetheart, but I do know she gave me one of the greatest gifts I ever received: my best friend. And Emily, just so you know, Sweetheart adored you. When I went to see her that day, she talked about you a lot. She was excited we were both getting married at the same time, said we had beautiful rings, and how happy she was we were best friends. And I hope that now she knows how truly grateful I am for her and that no words will ever express the gratitude I have for her bringing you to my house that day. And I'll never be able to thank you enough for the years of support and friendship that you've given me. I don't think I'll ever be able to explain to you how much it meant to me that you stayed with me in Daddy's last few days, or how much it meant to my mother and I that you and Aunt Sheila took care of him. We couldn't have done it without you two.

I love you, my Emmy. No crying, k? Think about the awesome cake we're gonna get to go try. We're getting married! And not to each other! No kissing cousins! <---bahahahaha, the memories.
Love always,

Ali

 

 

 "Find Out Who Your Friends Are"-Tracy Lawrence

 

Run your car off the side of the road
Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere
Or get yourself in a bind, lose the shirt off your back
Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare

This is where the rubber meets the road
This is where the cream is gonna rise
This is what you really didn?t know
This is where the truth don?t lie

You find out who your friends are
Somebody?s gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas, get there fast

Never stop to think, 'What?s in it for me?'
Or 'It?s way too far'
They just show on up with their big ol? heart
You find out who your friends are

And everybody wants to slap your back, wants to shake your hand
When you?re up on top of that mountain
But then one of those rocks give way then you slide back down
Look up and see who?s around then

This ain't where the road comes to an end
This ain't where the band wagon stops
This is just one of those times when
A lotta folks jump off

You find out who your friends are
Somebody?s gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas, get there fast

Never stop to think, 'What?s in it for me?'
Or 'It?s way too far'
They just show on up with that big ol? heart
You find out who your friends are

When the water?s high
When the weather?s not so fair
When the well runs dry
Who?s gonna be there?

You find out who your friends are
Somebody?s gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas, get there fast

Never stop to think, 'What?s in it for me?'
Or 'It?s way too far'
They just show on up with their big ol? heart
You find out who your friends are, yeah yeah
You find out who your friends are

Run your car off the side of the road
Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere, man I been there
Or get yourself in a bind, lose the shirt off your back
Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare, man I been there
Man I been there

Dear Bonnie...

Hey Ginger! I know you probably think this is pretty corny, but hear me out. Everyone's making a big deal out of you graduating, and I know you probably don't understand why. I hated high school and was just relieved to get out. I didn't realize till a few years later, when real life set in, how much I missed being a kid and having everyone else make the hard choices for me. You've gone through more than most kids your age, and I'm proud of you for being able to navigate through all the crap and still remain a good person. I know that at 18 I thought I knew everything and no one could teach me anything. In six months, I'm gonna be 23, and when you're my age you'll be amazed at how much you learn when you put a five year distance between now and then. My first bit of advice to you as you begin your journey into adulthood and start your college experience is to remember one thing, and I hope you remember this for the rest of your life. It doesn't matter how grown you think you are, you will never know everything.

Sometimes the metamorphosis our relationship has gone through for the past 18 years still amazes me. I'll be honest, I don't remember ever hating you. The stories are embarrassing and I don't really like to hear them because it makes me uncomfortable. I don't deny it, I probably didn't like you much, but I don't remember. Honestly, I can't really imagine hating you. But, I do remember that around the time you learned to talk, you became a huge pain in my back side. You followed me around and you wanted to do everything that I did! I got a telescope and guess what you just had to get? I have a Backstreet Boy birthday in November, you have one in December. You were my little shadow, and it drove me nuts. That's probably why I was so mean to you. Sure, we'd play together, but that's only because we didn't have anyone else to play with a lot of the time. We sure did have a lot of fun kicking the crap out of each other, didn't we? I've pushed you out of trees and hogged tied and gagged you (that was so funny, I don't care what anyone says) and you've stabbed me with various objects, bit me more times than I can count, and tattled on me every chance you could freaking get.

Then, when you were about 13, you got a lot less annoying. You still looked up to me, but you started to express yourself and become your own person. If anything, I kind of copied you style wise. You got into the cowgirl look and I liked it, so I got my first pair of boots. That's when we started hanging out more. Even though I was 17 and doing stupid stuff like dating guys that were way too old for me, we still had a lot of fun together. That's when we started becoming friends.

When you were 16, that's when we started getting on each others level. I could actually talk to you about things that were going in my life, and you could talk to me. And now, here you are, 18 years old and one of the best friends I've ever had. Without you (and Emily, of course) I don't think I would have survived the last two years of my life. You stayed with me when I was waiting for my Dad to die, you, Emily, Zach, and Taylor. Even though things turned out, errr, bad with Taylor, I will never be able to repay you four for not leaving me alone in those days.

I don't think you'll ever realize the impact you've made on my life by simply being who you are. See, when you were little and did everything I did, I started realizing that if I wasn't careful, if I made the wrong decisions, you might copy those too. So I didn't do things that I didn't want you doing. I didn't want to let you down, and I hope that I haven't. I'm not perfect, and I know it's a running joke that I taught you everything not to do from my epic screw ups, but I'd like to think I also helped teach you right from wrong by the things I got right in life. Bonnie, you kept me on the safe and narrow. You helped make me a better person by just existing. Who knows, maybe you saved my life. So, thanks for being my annoying little shadow.

I've always been able to count on you, even when you were a little kid. Do you remember the day my Granny died? You were there when Mom told me she'd died, and I completely flipped out. I wouldn't let my Mom or Dad hug me, and I just ran out and sat on the front porch. You came and sat next to me, your little 9 year old self, and you scooted close to me and asked me if I was okay. I just started crying and you were the only person I let hug me. Even when you were little and maybe didn't even grasp the full situation, you just knew I needed you and you were there. That hasn't changed much, judging by the fact that you sat in the hospital with me last Friday and tried keeping me calm when I found out Zach was having surgery. Even though you were kind of stuck there because you rode up there with me, I have a feeling you would have stayed with me anyway. Just like you did when Granny died. Just like you did when I'd gone through various break ups. And just like you did when my Daddy died...

You're the closest thing to a little sister that I'm ever going to have. I know I sometimes seem overprotective and a worry wart, but when you hurt, I hurt. When you got your heart broken for the first time and called me crying, I cried after I hung up the phone because I wanted to take your pain away and I couldn't. I want to protect you from the bad things in life and I know that I can't, so I've done my best to set a good example and hope that you listen to the advice that I try to give you. I know you're going to go out into the world and make your own mistakes. You already have made some mistakes, and those are yours, and I hope you'll always own them and take responsibility for your actions like you have so far, but I'd like to protect you from the mistakes you don't have to make. Some things are avoidable, and I would like to guide you around the bumps in the road you don't have to hit.

Besides my parents, you have always been the most important person in my life, and until I have children, there will never be anyone on earth that I love as much as I love you. You have been such a blessing to my life, and I hope you never ever forget how brilliant, hilarious, and truly beautiful you are. You were always adorable, from the moment you were born you were cute, but you've grown up to be simply radiant.

I hope over the past 18 years you've learned a thing or two from me, and I hope you still listen to me in the future. I always have your best interests at heart, and even when you're 50 I'm always going to worry and want whats best for you. I'm always going to want to protect you. I think my parents didn't have kids after me for a reason, because I can't imagine having anyone else for a sister besides you. When I have kids, they are going to adore their awesome Aunt Bonnie and they'll probably want to spend more time with you than me. I know you're going to be the cool Aunt who lets them play with the dogs, takes them riding around on the back roads, takes them out for ice cream, and then sends them back home hopped up on sugar and asking for a puppy (or maybe a cow...). You and I both have so much to look forward to in the future, and I'm glad we get to experience it together. In a year I'm going to graduate from college and get married, and I have my two best friends as my maids of honors, you and Emily. A lot is going to change when I get graduate and get married. My priorities will shift, I wont have as much time to just hang out, and I'm eventually going to start a family. But I hope you know that how much I love you is never ever going to change.

Enjoy college and give yourself room to screw up and change your mind. Work hard, but play just as much, but in the right way. Remember that everything is a growing experience and an opportunity to learn who you are. Remember, the choices you make in life do NOT define you, but how you live the life you choose does. Don't listen to people when they say "live life with no regrets" because if you do wrong, you should regret it, and you should be sorry. Even when your mom is getting on your nerves, never shut her out of your life. No one on this earth will ever love you more than your parents, and you wont realize just how much you love them until you lose one. Don't be afraid to fall in love. Heartbreak is an awful thing, but looking back on "the one that got away" because you were scared is worse. But at the same time, don't give your love away like it's extra change in your pocket. Choose wisely, because not everyone is worth the risk. Never let pride stand in the way of saying that you're sorry. Never let anyone else tell you who you are and who you're meant to be. Keep your priorities in check; God, family, and then everything else.

And if you were to ignore everything else I just said, there is one piece of advice I hope that you follow. "Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh," Luke 6:21. If I die, I want that on my headstone because I think that, besides the teachings of Jesus, that this is the most important verse in the Bible. Laughter is the greatest legacy your Uncle Roland left behind. My one prayer for you in this life is that you never lose your ability to create and find laughter wherever you go. More than anything else on this earth, I want you to find happiness, through the Lord, inside yourself. I want you to know that no matter how bad life may seem today, you will laugh.

Today I'm probably going to cry a lot. I know you'll understand why.You're growing up and we're going to each make our own way in the world. But I hope you realize that distance, time, nor circumstance will ever keep me away if you need me. I don't care where I am, whether I'm next door or a million miles away, I will never be too far. I made you a promise the day I graduated high school that I intend to keep for the rest of my life and beyond. I will NEVER leave you.

Alright, enough of the incredible corny and teary eyed typing. I didn't intend this to become a tear fest, but of course I'm crying and Zach's looking at me like I'm stupid.

I lobe you Ginger. And remember, you will never be too old to be my Bon-Bon :)
I love you more than you know kiddo, Ali

"Never Grow Up"-Taylor Swift

Your little hand's wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light
To you everything's funny, you got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And you're mortified your mom's dropping you off
At 14 there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots
But don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older too
And don't lose the way that you dance around in your pj's getting ready for school

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
No one's ever burned you, nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to, just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs
I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone

So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder that I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
I could still be little
Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
Won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even though you want to, please try to never grow up
Oh, don't you ever grow up
Oh, never grow up, just never grow up

Bigger Than Love

For one of my classes I had to read a little big of C.S. Lewis' book The Problem of Pain. For the most part the book wasn't my cup of tea. Maybe it would have been if I could understand his style of writing/speaking, but I couldn't. But when I thought about it, I understood more than I thought because if there is one thing I understand, it's pain. 

Everyone's different and no one deals with things the same, but the one thing that we all have in common is heartbreak. People walk in and out of our lives, just like people are born and people die. We all feel pain and we all have scars. But you, whoever you are reader, have the ability to set yourself apart by how you wear these scars. Some people take the pain and the scars and roll them into a little ball and bury them into the pit of their stomachs. They let it fester and infect every single aspect of their being, including their minds and their hearts, and that can make them hard, cold, and even dangerous. Those people let the pain rule them, make their decisions for them, and the only thing that accomplishes is keeping the cycle of pain going. You get hurt, so the only thing you can think to do once you've let the pain begin to rule you is hurt someone else. I've seen grief and loss and agony rip apart families, friendships, and marriages alike, but the worst thing I've seen pain do is make someone lose their faith, and that's the real tragedy. 

Lewis battles the argument that if God was purely good, then the world would be purely good, and that because God allows bad things to happen, God is either not truly "almighty" or he's just not that great of a God, so what's the point in believing in Him?. I could sit here and go through all Lewis' arguments for why that's kind of a logical fallacy, but I can sum it up in one sentence: It's not that you don't believe in Him, you're just mad at Him. And also (simply because I can't help myself) God gave us free will, and that free will gives us free reign to screw up as much as we possibly can. God should be our source of happiness, but for some reason we humans like to fight that, so when we find that we can't find true happiness without Him, we fall on our faces and guess what? It hurts! 

But what about the people that are going through pain that isn't of their making? Take me for instance. Today would have been Shelley's twenty-second birthday, and I know for a fact that today won't just be a hard day for me, but for dozens of people who are affected by the fact that she won't be here...You see, a year and a half ago, Shelley was taken from us. She died, and it wasn't her fault, wasn't her parents or her sisters fault, and it wasn't our fault. I know at least 20 people, including me, who would have done anything within our power to save her, but we couldn't. And we suffer. Everyone that was left behind when she was taken suffers horribly, daily, and that suffering is real and raw and the wounds are ripped open and salt is poured into them all the time. She's gone, and everything is a reminder of that. There will be an empty space at my wedding where Shelley should be. It's not fair, but I didn't cause this pain. And neither did God.

God doesn't want to force us to love Him. Could he? Sure. He's God, after all, but I think every girl on the planet knows that it's useless trying to force someone to love you. Or bugging them into it. So God gave people free will so that we could choose to be in a relationship with Him. Unfortunately, this also means we have the free will to lie, to steal, to cheat...to murder. And even though I'm not the person who took Shelley away, I still feel the pain of that day. I have no control over what people choose to do, but I often suffer the consequences, and I realize that that's going to happen more than once in my lifetime. But I have to give up that want for control and try to make the best decisions for myself that I can, because my decisions affect other peoples lives as well.

I wont lie, I struggle not to be mad at God. I'm glad that I worship a God that lets me know that it's totally okay to be pissed off, He understands and He can hang. He's a big God, and He's not gonna be mad at me for looking up at the sky and screaming "ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!" every now and then. Shelley's seat wont be the only empty one at my wedding. 9 months after I lost Shelley, I also lost my Daddy. We thought he was getting better, and then BAM, the cancer suddenly spreads and he's gone within two months. I was so delirious with pain, I screwed up. Big time. I did things that I'm not proud of, way too ashamed to write about so publicly, and I did them out of pain and confusion. Zach stood by me and let me mess up, and he picked me up and held me when I hit rock bottom. God brought him to me. See, good God, almighty God, cause only the Almighty could have saved me then.

And it's totally not the first time I've done so either. I had my heartbroken pretty epically once, and it messed me up for a few years. I think it was so epic because it was the first. But man, I turned around and unleashed my rage on the nearest person with male parts and let it rip. I refused to get close to any guy and then I met someone who, for some odd reason, fell in love with me. And what did I do? Dragged him along, too scared to commit, and he finally gave up on me. That was a sobering moment. When someone looks you in the eye and says "I quit" you kinda sit back and take a look at your actions and realize "Wow. I'm a B word." And then I met someone, fell in love myself, and took my lumps. I stayed in a relationship for two years with someone who didn't love me at all, not in the slightest, but I felt like I was getting what I deserved. Then I found Zach, or well, he found me sitting in a library contemplating what to do about my dead end relationship. And that was it. That was when God smacked me in the face and was like "You don't have to live this way." 

The pain sometimes gets so built up and the infection gets so deep that it seems like the biggest thing in the world. I know because I've lived in the house that heartbreak built. I've been so weighed down with it that I could barely bring myself to get out of bed in the morning, but then I learned something from my father. When he found out he had cancer, he broke down into tears and told me he wasn't afraid of dying, but that he didn't want to leave me. He wasn't ready. He was so upset and I know he was scared, he had to be. But he was more worried about me and how I was taking it. My Mom was facing losing her husband, and she was more concerned with me. That, to me, is the definition of a true hero. It took me a while, but I now know the one thing that is bigger than the pain, and that's Love. The Love that comes from God. The Love we have for each other. The Love between a dying father and his daughter. The Love between a friend passed away and the people she left behind. The Love is bigger than the loss.

So, the way I see it, you have two choices. You can wear your scars like a mask and hide behind them. You can wallow in the pain and use it as an excuse to live in a way you know you shouldn't. You can be apart of an ugly cycle if you want to, but I think you know it's not going to fix anything.

Wanna know how I want to wear my scars? Like a superhero cape! I wanna smile every single day simply because I get the opportunity to kiss the sunshine hello every morning. I want to soak up every bit of time I have with Zach because I have no idea what's going to happen. I want to be the kind of mother that my Mom is. I want to carry the name Green with honor, because it's the name my Daddy gave me. I want to live up to his legacy of laughter and bring that kind of joy into the hearts of everyone I know, like he did. I want to remember Shelley every day, even if that means pouring the salt into the wounds myself. Pain comes with the memories, I've accepted that, but that doesn't mean that it has to rule the memory. Shelley did NOT leave behind a legacy of pain and grief. It is not what she would want for any of us. Yeah, I might cry, but that wont be the only thing I do. 

It doesn't matter who you are, you can't escape the fact that we live in a fallen world and that sometimes, life freaking sucks. But blaming God and saying He isn't good enough or He isn't doing his job isn't going to make it any better. You have got to make a choice about what of life you want to lead, and what kind of impact you want to have in a dying world. You may think that you're only one person and you alone can't do anything, but guess what? You have no idea the power you possess. Pump gas for the old lady at the gas station that can't get out of her car. Give a buck to a homeless guy, even if he will just use it for booze. Smile at someone who looks like they are having a bad day. Laugh and smile and dance and sing and live because some people don't get to. When you see a bird, remember my Dad because he loved them. And when you see a butterfly, say hello to Shelley. Live because they can't. Live right because some people wont. Love because it's the greatest thing you will ever do in this world. Create beauty because there is so much ugly already. Wear your scars like a cape and save somebody. 

I don't know if this makes any sense or even why I wrote it. I think it's because I miss Shelley, and I think maybe this is something she'd want me to say to someone. Or you could blame Dr. Hayes for making me do a book report. Either way, I hope that maybe this put a smile on someones face. 

Happy Birthday Shelley Nance. I love you Flutterby :)

Bigger Than Love by My Favorite Highway

We've all got scars as big as ours
A token for the pain we hide inside of us
Everyone's scared that somebody knows
You push it aside, yeah that's how it goes
If you've ever heard a beating heart
A rhythm for the songs we're too afraid to sing
Nobody here is perfectly fine
A delicate frame, a fragile design

If there's a hole in your heart
You gotta pull it together
It takes the courage to start
But now is better than never
It takes a push and a shove
Somehow it's never enough
And its alarming how quickly we forget that

Nothing's bigger than love
Nothing's bigger than love
Nothing's bigger than love
All you need, all you need, all you need is love

Some people change and some just won't
You can't take back the words you wish you'd never said
Promises break and lovers will lie
You hold up your hands and let out a sigh
So smile right before you fall
And lay beside this mess and call it consequence
Somebody said that life isn't fair
When somebody else was saying a prayer

'Cause no-one's taking me out
And nothing's pulling me down
I turn my head to the crowd
This love is big and it's loud
This is a car in the crash
This is the light in the flash
This is the answers you know
But you're just too scared to ask
If there's a hole in your heart
You gotta pull it together
It takes the courage to start
But now is better than never
It takes a push and a shove
Somehow it's never enough
Somehow it's never enough