All day, every day, I tell stories. I guess that's why I'm a writer, because I have something I need to say and my soul can't be quiet until the words find themselves bubbling out. And lately, I've had something to say, and even as I write this, I'm not sure I can say it.
A problem arises when one is a story teller. Sometimes we need to tell a story that isn't only ours to tell. How do you know when you're about to cross a line that cannot be uncrossed again? Tell secrets that aren't only yours to tell? When you share your life with people, you share your dreams, passions, fears, and disappointments. You share a story.
Lately, I've been taking a walk down memory lane. I went through my facebook, looked at my posts that went back three years nearly. Why did I do this? Because I wanted to remember.
Maybe it's because June is here, and June holds so many bitter sweet memories for me. Maybe it's just a need to repent. I did a lot of things wrong last summer that I can't take back. Maybe it's missing the people who used to be around, who can't be around anymore simply because of death and circumstance. Maybe it's just be reflecting on the choices I've made.
The weird thing about lief is that sometimes you have to delve into the past in order to move on with your future. You have to find out what can be forgiven, and the things that you'll never be able to forget.
You can throw away the birthday cards. You can burn the photographs. You can give them back a box of their stuff. But what you can't do is make the memories fade. Memories have a way of burning their way into your senses. I see a car, I smell a flower, I watch a movie, and I go back to a place that maybe I don't like revisiting.
There are lots of things I wish I could say that I can't because this isn't only my story to tell. My trip down memory lane was painful, and I found so many places where we all went wrong, but I wouldn't change any of it. Not one moment. If I could go back, I'd simply enjoy it a little more. I wouldn't take any of it back because, in the end, it was worth all the pain and the tears and the moments when I was left behind.
Time doesn't stop and ask our permission to keep moving. Every day ticks by and before you know it, a year has gone by between where you are and where you've come from.
The memories wont let me simply move forward with life and forget it never happened. Even if I could, I wouldn't, because what I found then was as real as what I have now. I made choices that affected my life and other peoples lives irrevocably. Sometimes, you make choices that you know you can't back down from. You make commitments to people that break other peoples hearts and you have to let that go. But I'll never not be sorry for hurting the most important people in my life with those choices.
I wasn't happy, so I made a choice to do whatever I had to do to be happy, and that ended up hurting someone else that I never thought I'd ever hurt. For that, I'm truly sorry.
I'm happy where I am now. I have a good life. I miss my Dad and Sweetheart and Shelley and everyone else I've lost, but I still have a good life. I have lost a lot of friends, but the ones who stayed by my side are amazing, and the new ones I've made are just as inspirational. I have a Mom who adores me, a family who supports me, and a cat that loves me too. And I'm getting married to a man who thinks I hung the moon and stars, even though between the two of us, he's the wonderful one.
For what it's worth, I never meant to hurt anyone. I never meant a lot of things to happen. Sometimes fate just literally knocks on the door and you have to make a choice. I knew I was making the choice between two futures and I don't regret my decisions. I just regret the way I did it.
It wasn't over, and it's still not over. It's never going to be over because I'm still always going to look back and remember those times with my friends and loved ones. Just because time moves us into another stage of life doesn't mean we're ever supposed to to forget the people we had to let go. Certain parts of life can't begin until another part fades into the background, but that doesn't make it over. And it doesn't mean we can't miss the places that we came from.
I know this wont make sense to most people, but I know it will make sense to a few and those are the few that matter. Someday, maybe, I'll tell more of the full story, but for now, I think it's better that those stories remain ours.
See you soon then,
Ali
"Like We Used To"-A Rocket To The Moon
I can feel her breath as she's sleeping next to me
Sharing pillows and cold feet
She can feel my heart; fell asleep to it's beat
Under blankets and warm sheets
If only I could be in that bed again, if only it were me instead of him
Does he watch your favorite movies, does he hold you when you cry?
Does he let you tell him all your favorite parts,
When you've seen it a million times?
Does he sing to all your music, while you dance to purple rain?
Does he do all these things, like I used to?
Fourteen months and seven days ago,
Oh I know you know how we felt about that night
Just your skin against the window, but we took it slow and we both know
It should've been me inside that car
It should have been me instead of him in the dark
Does he watch your favorite movies, does he hold you when you cry?
Does he let you tell him all your favorite parts,
When you've seen it a million times?
Does he sing to all your music, while you dance to purple rain?
Does he do all these things, like I used to?
I know, love (I'm a sucker for that feeling)
Happens all the time, love (I always end up feeling cheated)
You're on my mind, love (oh darling, I know I'm not needed)
And that happens all the time, love
Will he love you like I loved you, will he tell you everyday?
Will he make you feel like your invincible with every word he'll say?
Can you promise me if this was right, don't throw it all away
Can you do all these things, will you do all these things?
On Mother's Day of this year, my family lost someone very special to us. After a long battle with cancer, my great Aunt Sweetheart went to be with the Lord. When I was sitting in the pew during the funeral, I thought about how I wished I could have spent more time with her, gotten to know her better. It made me think about how many stories we don't get to hear about our families. At the funeral, my Aunt Jo told a story about her dad, my grandfather, that I'd never heard before. My grandfather sounded like he and my Daddy had a lot in common. It made me want to hear and tell as many stories as I could. So I'm going to tell you a story about the greatest gift my Sweetheart ever gave me.
During the summer before my 3rd grade year, Sweetheart came over to my house with a surprise. Dad had told her that I'd be starting Italy Elementary the start of the new year, and he was worried about me going to a new school and not knowing anyone. I'd lived in Italy my whole life, but had gone to school in Waxahachie since I was in pre-k. So Sweetheart brought over her great granddaughter, who was also my cousin, Emily. Emily's grandmother, Donna, was my Dad's first cousin. Sweetheart was my grandfathers sister. You following me here? I know, it's complicated, but none of that really matters. The fact of the matter is, we're like a millionth cousins so we'd never met one another until that day.
Emily and I kinda just sat and stared at each other for a little while, if I remember correctly. I've never really been shy, but Emily has since the first day I met her. So I finally said, "Lets go outside and play," and off we went. Emily didn't have the same kind of imagination that I had, so while I was making weird crazy soups out of pecans, mulberries, wild onions, and figs, Emily just hoped I wasn't going to poison her. Needless to say, the little chicken didn't eat anything. But we played and played and played until Sweetheart came back and took Emily home. Not long after that, I met Emily's older sister Ashley and her younger sister Kaylee. Over the years, we played together and tolerated each other, but Emily and I didn't really like each other very much. I mostly played with Ashley because she'd get in the dirt with me! Then, we all just grew up and the days for playing were over.
Our first few years in high school, Emily and I ran in different circles. We talked and were nice, not hating each other but not exactly friends either. But then, one day at school Emily and her boyfriend at the time got into a huge fight, and I found her in the bathroom crying. I sat with her, refusing to leave her alone. As much as we weren't friends, I still felt like I should stay. Blood being thicker than water, and all that. After that day, we were a little nicer to each other, and even exchanged cell phone numbers. It was a start.
Then, January of our sophomore year in high school, our class went on a field trip to Dallas and, for some reason, I found myself hanging out with Emily and Rachael all day long. From that day forward, you couldn't find one of us without the other two. We were joined at the hip. That year, we went through a lot together. I had my first major heart break that summer, and Emily showed up at my house in her pjs with some ice cream and donuts, and we laid there and watched movies and I cried off and on, covered in powdered sugar. That, I think, was the day Emily became my best friend. When Emily and Rachael decided to do homeschooling and go to college early, it was only natural that I make the decision and go with them. We all graduated together a year early.
A lot has happened in the past six years, too much for me to write, but since then we three have done almost everything else possible together, especially me and Emily. Rachael is still our friend, but she moved off and we don't get to see her much anymore, but Emily and me are still joined at the hip. It seems we still have to do everything together, since our weddings are, like, three weeks apart. But you wanna know something about my best friend that makes me know 100% that she'll always be my best friend, even when we're 80 and stealing all the old peoples pudding cups from the nursing home (cause we don't like jello)?
Last summer, my Dad died. He was put on hospice and we knew it was only a matter of days. Emily took off work, and for about four nights in a row, she stayed with me. She's an LVN, so she helped take care of Dad in his last days. She didn't leave my side, and more importantly, she didn't leave his side, even when things got really bad. Emily, of all people, knew how close my Dad and I were, and how much it was killing me inside. I guess Dad knew I needed her too, because he chose to go be with the Lord while me, Emily, and Rachael were all in the room with him. I watched him take his last breath, and Emily heard his heart stop beating. Emily thinks Dad was probably pissed off at her for all of us being in the room. We were all about to go to bed but they wanted to check his vitals one last time before going to sleep, and that's when he died. But I think Dad knew something we didn't. Like, if it had of just been him and Mom in the room, she wouldn't have handled it. And if I had of been by myself...I don't even want to think about it. I think he knew I needed her, so he waited on both of us.
I know there are a lot of people that don't like me and some people that don't like Emily, and I could care less about the not liking me part. But people misunderstand Emily a lot of the times. She's not stuck up, she's just horridly shy. She doesn't think she's better than you, she just doesn't like to talk unless she knows the people really well. It's not that she's not sorry when she hurts your feelings, she just doesn't always know how to say she's sorry, because she's one of those types of people who understand that sometimes "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it, so she'd rather show you.
Anyone who would give her half a chance would see the beautiful, amazing, funny, caring, sweet person that I see when I look at her. Maybe this says something about my inability to make actual friends, but I think I'm just blessed that the fact that my two best friends, Emily and Bonnie, are my cousins. Blood really is thicker than water. When your back is against the wall, or you've done something totally stupid, the only people on this earth that you can rest assured that they still still love you at the end of the day is your family. Emily and I fight like we hate each other half the time. In fact, our Chemistry teacher in high school tried to separate us one day because she thought we hated each other. We laughed at her, told her we were best friends, and just kept arguing. She just shrugged. It's what we do. She calls me a hoe bag and I call her something else rude, and we go on. We LOVE each other :D
Maybe I don't know everything there was to know about Sweetheart, but I do know she gave me one of the greatest gifts I ever received: my best friend. And Emily, just so you know, Sweetheart adored you. When I went to see her that day, she talked about you a lot. She was excited we were both getting married at the same time, said we had beautiful rings, and how happy she was we were best friends. And I hope that now she knows how truly grateful I am for her and that no words will ever express the gratitude I have for her bringing you to my house that day. And I'll never be able to thank you enough for the years of support and friendship that you've given me. I don't think I'll ever be able to explain to you how much it meant to me that you stayed with me in Daddy's last few days, or how much it meant to my mother and I that you and Aunt Sheila took care of him. We couldn't have done it without you two.
I love you, my Emmy. No crying, k? Think about the awesome cake we're gonna get to go try. We're getting married! And not to each other! No kissing cousins! <---bahahahaha, the memories.
Love always,
Ali
"Find Out Who Your Friends Are"-Tracy Lawrence
Run your car off the side of the road
Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere
Or get yourself in a bind, lose the shirt off your back
Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare
This is where the rubber meets the road
This is where the cream is gonna rise
This is what you really didn?t know
This is where the truth don?t lie
You find out who your friends are
Somebody?s gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas, get there fast
Never stop to think, 'What?s in it for me?'
Or 'It?s way too far'
They just show on up with their big ol? heart
You find out who your friends are
And everybody wants to slap your back, wants to shake your hand
When you?re up on top of that mountain
But then one of those rocks give way then you slide back down
Look up and see who?s around then
This ain't where the road comes to an end
This ain't where the band wagon stops
This is just one of those times when
A lotta folks jump off
You find out who your friends are
Somebody?s gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas, get there fast
Never stop to think, 'What?s in it for me?'
Or 'It?s way too far'
They just show on up with that big ol? heart
You find out who your friends are
When the water?s high
When the weather?s not so fair
When the well runs dry
Who?s gonna be there?
You find out who your friends are
Somebody?s gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas, get there fast
Never stop to think, 'What?s in it for me?'
Or 'It?s way too far'
They just show on up with their big ol? heart
You find out who your friends are, yeah yeah
You find out who your friends are
Run your car off the side of the road
Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere, man I been there
Or get yourself in a bind, lose the shirt off your back
Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare, man I been there
Man I been there
Hey Ginger! I know you probably think this is pretty corny, but hear me out. Everyone's making a big deal out of you graduating, and I know you probably don't understand why. I hated high school and was just relieved to get out. I didn't realize till a few years later, when real life set in, how much I missed being a kid and having everyone else make the hard choices for me. You've gone through more than most kids your age, and I'm proud of you for being able to navigate through all the crap and still remain a good person. I know that at 18 I thought I knew everything and no one could teach me anything. In six months, I'm gonna be 23, and when you're my age you'll be amazed at how much you learn when you put a five year distance between now and then. My first bit of advice to you as you begin your journey into adulthood and start your college experience is to remember one thing, and I hope you remember this for the rest of your life. It doesn't matter how grown you think you are, you will never know everything.
Sometimes the metamorphosis our relationship has gone through for the past 18 years still amazes me. I'll be honest, I don't remember ever hating you. The stories are embarrassing and I don't really like to hear them because it makes me uncomfortable. I don't deny it, I probably didn't like you much, but I don't remember. Honestly, I can't really imagine hating you. But, I do remember that around the time you learned to talk, you became a huge pain in my back side. You followed me around and you wanted to do everything that I did! I got a telescope and guess what you just had to get? I have a Backstreet Boy birthday in November, you have one in December. You were my little shadow, and it drove me nuts. That's probably why I was so mean to you. Sure, we'd play together, but that's only because we didn't have anyone else to play with a lot of the time. We sure did have a lot of fun kicking the crap out of each other, didn't we? I've pushed you out of trees and hogged tied and gagged you (that was so funny, I don't care what anyone says) and you've stabbed me with various objects, bit me more times than I can count, and tattled on me every chance you could freaking get.
Then, when you were about 13, you got a lot less annoying. You still looked up to me, but you started to express yourself and become your own person. If anything, I kind of copied you style wise. You got into the cowgirl look and I liked it, so I got my first pair of boots. That's when we started hanging out more. Even though I was 17 and doing stupid stuff like dating guys that were way too old for me, we still had a lot of fun together. That's when we started becoming friends.
When you were 16, that's when we started getting on each others level. I could actually talk to you about things that were going in my life, and you could talk to me. And now, here you are, 18 years old and one of the best friends I've ever had. Without you (and Emily, of course) I don't think I would have survived the last two years of my life. You stayed with me when I was waiting for my Dad to die, you, Emily, Zach, and Taylor. Even though things turned out, errr, bad with Taylor, I will never be able to repay you four for not leaving me alone in those days.
I don't think you'll ever realize the impact you've made on my life by simply being who you are. See, when you were little and did everything I did, I started realizing that if I wasn't careful, if I made the wrong decisions, you might copy those too. So I didn't do things that I didn't want you doing. I didn't want to let you down, and I hope that I haven't. I'm not perfect, and I know it's a running joke that I taught you everything not to do from my epic screw ups, but I'd like to think I also helped teach you right from wrong by the things I got right in life. Bonnie, you kept me on the safe and narrow. You helped make me a better person by just existing. Who knows, maybe you saved my life. So, thanks for being my annoying little shadow.
I've always been able to count on you, even when you were a little kid. Do you remember the day my Granny died? You were there when Mom told me she'd died, and I completely flipped out. I wouldn't let my Mom or Dad hug me, and I just ran out and sat on the front porch. You came and sat next to me, your little 9 year old self, and you scooted close to me and asked me if I was okay. I just started crying and you were the only person I let hug me. Even when you were little and maybe didn't even grasp the full situation, you just knew I needed you and you were there. That hasn't changed much, judging by the fact that you sat in the hospital with me last Friday and tried keeping me calm when I found out Zach was having surgery. Even though you were kind of stuck there because you rode up there with me, I have a feeling you would have stayed with me anyway. Just like you did when Granny died. Just like you did when I'd gone through various break ups. And just like you did when my Daddy died...
You're the closest thing to a little sister that I'm ever going to have. I know I sometimes seem overprotective and a worry wart, but when you hurt, I hurt. When you got your heart broken for the first time and called me crying, I cried after I hung up the phone because I wanted to take your pain away and I couldn't. I want to protect you from the bad things in life and I know that I can't, so I've done my best to set a good example and hope that you listen to the advice that I try to give you. I know you're going to go out into the world and make your own mistakes. You already have made some mistakes, and those are yours, and I hope you'll always own them and take responsibility for your actions like you have so far, but I'd like to protect you from the mistakes you don't have to make. Some things are avoidable, and I would like to guide you around the bumps in the road you don't have to hit.
Besides my parents, you have always been the most important person in my life, and until I have children, there will never be anyone on earth that I love as much as I love you. You have been such a blessing to my life, and I hope you never ever forget how brilliant, hilarious, and truly beautiful you are. You were always adorable, from the moment you were born you were cute, but you've grown up to be simply radiant.
I hope over the past 18 years you've learned a thing or two from me, and I hope you still listen to me in the future. I always have your best interests at heart, and even when you're 50 I'm always going to worry and want whats best for you. I'm always going to want to protect you. I think my parents didn't have kids after me for a reason, because I can't imagine having anyone else for a sister besides you. When I have kids, they are going to adore their awesome Aunt Bonnie and they'll probably want to spend more time with you than me. I know you're going to be the cool Aunt who lets them play with the dogs, takes them riding around on the back roads, takes them out for ice cream, and then sends them back home hopped up on sugar and asking for a puppy (or maybe a cow...). You and I both have so much to look forward to in the future, and I'm glad we get to experience it together. In a year I'm going to graduate from college and get married, and I have my two best friends as my maids of honors, you and Emily. A lot is going to change when I get graduate and get married. My priorities will shift, I wont have as much time to just hang out, and I'm eventually going to start a family. But I hope you know that how much I love you is never ever going to change.
Enjoy college and give yourself room to screw up and change your mind. Work hard, but play just as much, but in the right way. Remember that everything is a growing experience and an opportunity to learn who you are. Remember, the choices you make in life do NOT define you, but how you live the life you choose does. Don't listen to people when they say "live life with no regrets" because if you do wrong, you should regret it, and you should be sorry. Even when your mom is getting on your nerves, never shut her out of your life. No one on this earth will ever love you more than your parents, and you wont realize just how much you love them until you lose one. Don't be afraid to fall in love. Heartbreak is an awful thing, but looking back on "the one that got away" because you were scared is worse. But at the same time, don't give your love away like it's extra change in your pocket. Choose wisely, because not everyone is worth the risk. Never let pride stand in the way of saying that you're sorry. Never let anyone else tell you who you are and who you're meant to be. Keep your priorities in check; God, family, and then everything else.
And if you were to ignore everything else I just said, there is one piece of advice I hope that you follow. "Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh," Luke 6:21. If I die, I want that on my headstone because I think that, besides the teachings of Jesus, that this is the most important verse in the Bible. Laughter is the greatest legacy your Uncle Roland left behind. My one prayer for you in this life is that you never lose your ability to create and find laughter wherever you go. More than anything else on this earth, I want you to find happiness, through the Lord, inside yourself. I want you to know that no matter how bad life may seem today, you will laugh.
Today I'm probably going to cry a lot. I know you'll understand why.You're growing up and we're going to each make our own way in the world. But I hope you realize that distance, time, nor circumstance will ever keep me away if you need me. I don't care where I am, whether I'm next door or a million miles away, I will never be too far. I made you a promise the day I graduated high school that I intend to keep for the rest of my life and beyond. I will NEVER leave you.
Alright, enough of the incredible corny and teary eyed typing. I didn't intend this to become a tear fest, but of course I'm crying and Zach's looking at me like I'm stupid.
I lobe you Ginger. And remember, you will never be too old to be my Bon-Bon :)
I love you more than you know kiddo, Ali
"Never Grow Up"-Taylor Swift
Your little hand's wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light
To you everything's funny, you got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up
You're in the car on the way to the movies
And you're mortified your mom's dropping you off
At 14 there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots
But don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older too
And don't lose the way that you dance around in your pj's getting ready for school
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
No one's ever burned you, nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to, just try to never grow up
Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs
I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone
So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder that I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on
Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up
Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
I could still be little
Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
Won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even though you want to, please try to never grow up
Oh, don't you ever grow up
Oh, never grow up, just never grow up
